Some reflections and thoughts for parents and youth coaches to keep in mind

Every once in a while we engage in a bit of “tweeting”! The following are some of the comments we have shared that reveal a little bit about the values we hold in the work that we do at Taking you Beyond the Game.

For Coaches

1. At the very least, the one thing youth coaches should never do is to kill the love a young player has for their sport.

2. Youth coaches should always keep conduct, character, commitment and communication top of mind.

3. Surely the job of a youth sports coach is to build the spirit, not damage the spirit, of the young people they interact with.

4. Can youth coaches actually help build character and confidence in young athletes? They can indeed, but they can also destroy confidence.

5. Kids may remember some wins and losses, for sure, but they'll really remember, more than anything, how you made them feel.

6. Are you the best youth sports coach you can possibly be? If not, step back and assess how you can be even better. The little things matter.

7. Have you ever asked your players, individually, why they love the sport? That knowledge can help make you a better coach.

8. Discipline and expectations are important, but if we're not building confidence in our players, we're not doing our job.

9. How often do you ask yourself: "What is my real priority as a youth sports coach?"

10. The real opportunity for youth coaches is not building a winning team; it's building the character in—and confidence of-all your players

For Parents

1. More than being a good player, parents need to teach their youngsters how to be a good teammate.

2. Setting mutual expectations with your child's coach before the season can save significant frustration later.

3. The car ride home is a telling sign of how you are doing-and how healthy your relationship with your son/daughter is.

4. If the youth sports experience is really "about" the kids and "for" the kids, why do so many parents and coaches behave as they/we do?

5. Our relationship with our children will last much longer than their "career" in youth sports-what memories do we choose to create?

If even one of these thoughts can help parents and youth coaches to reflect a bit, and perhaps do some things a little differently, a little better, great.

Our Twitter account is -  http://twitter.com/YouthSportsTYBG.

Spread the word!

Sports Parenting Tips – What it Takes to be a Good Sports Parent

It's pretty easy to identify "bad" sports parents—especially when it's other people acting out negatively in public. Whether yelling at their own kids or players on the other team, coaching from the sidelines, screaming at game officials, these parents create embarrassment to themselves and discomfort to those around them.

But it’s fair to ask ourselves: do we, as parents, recognize our own poor behavior?

One of the more difficult challenges for parents when their children are involved in youth sports is modeling appropriate behaviour –whether it is at a recreational or a more “competitive” level.

Sports parents have often read about the “success” and “failure” rates of elite athletes; they also know that, in reality, only a fraction of the millions of kids involved in youth sports “make” it to the professional ranks. Even earning a college scholarship is exceedingly difficult, as many young athletes seek a scholarship and relatively few earn one.

While most parents may say that it‘s not their dream, some still end up taking the entire sport experience far too seriously and cause damage to relationships within—and beyond—the family. Parents sometimes need to really self-reflect and look in the mirror and ask themselves: "Am I a good—or bad—sports parent?"

All kinds of factors come into play—unreasonable expectations, envy, comparing our kids with other people’s kids, along with that natural human inclination to “compete”, including through our own children. It’s human nature, it seems, to be competitive, but what can be done to control or eliminate certain negative behaviors?

Here are five behaviours that are counter-productive but because of the often-intense emotion involved in youth sports are often displayed—and some small steps "sports parents" can take to try to act more appropriately:

Parents Can and Should Behave Themselves at Kids' Sports Matches

It’s important to team cohesiveness for parents to think about their own behavior during game time. It’s not okay to yell at a child (your own, or anyone else’s) if or because they make “mistakes”. Nor is it acceptable to cause a problem in any fashion with team officials or referees.

If a parent has trouble controlling their temper or mouth, he/she needs to work to address it because in short, it’s a problem—especially for the children.

Also, don’t get involved with negative behavior on the part of other parents—avoid temptation to join in on the toxic chatter that can escalate about the team’s coach, for example. Parents should make it a practice to say positive things only—or say nothing at all.

As parents, and the adults, it is important not to discuss other children. It’s not up to parents who makes a certain team, or how they play, or if those parents think certain players are talented or selfish. That’s for coaches to deal with. To speak negatively of other people’s kids opens up all kinds of potential issues.

Follow the 24-Hour Rule

Every mom and dad should remind himself or herself of the 24-hour rule. That is, if a parent is upset – with his or her own child, or with a coach, wait for a day to pass and then make the appropriate effort to discuss the situation. Everyone will be calmer, and the issue may not seem so serious after all. Right after a game or practice, when emotions can be high, is usually not the right time to approach a coach.

If you feel you must address the situation with a coach, contact them later and arrange to time to meet privately and calmly to discuss your concerns.

Keep Sports Fun

On the car ride home, it’s just not acceptable for parents to spend time criticizing their young athletes. Don’t take away the fun that is essential to being involved in youth sports. This one should be easy, but for many it’s not.

Sometimes parents begin to ask questions or comment on what their child didn’t do well or correctly— the moment the child gets in the car. This isn’t constructive and it just makes the entire experience stressful and unpleasant. What’s the point of being involved in youth sports if the child is made to feel bad?

Playing a sport is supposed to be a fun and healthy activity. Constant criticism doesn’t help anyone, most importantly your own youngster.

Give Children Space to Develop Their Sporting Skills

Parents sometimes have a tendency to stay and watch at practice and this can be a great time to get to know other parents and build positive team chemistry. But if a parent just stands to the side at training and appears grim and judgmental, or says things during practice that are not supportive it might be an good idea to go home, relax and pick your youngster up after training is done for the day. Let the children enjoy the practice and the camaraderie of their teammates, without seeing a judgmental, sour-looking parent nearby

Being a Good Sports Parent

There is much more to being a good “sports parent” than the above of course. It is essential for parents to be good listeners, to be there when things don’t go well, to be able to wipe away the occasional tear, and to generally help make the experience a great one for their kids.

However, if parents don’t always do the right things, they should at least work hard to eliminate negative behaviours that make the experiences less than what they should be for their children.

So first, parents need to become aware of the basics of their own behavior. They shouldn’t be negative about anyone – other players, coaches, officials or fellow parents; they should follow the 24-hour rule; remember not to criticize their young athlete, and to give their child the space they need to learn the sport and enjoy their teammates.

Those things alone can make the experience much better for our kids.

Ex NHL’er teaches his players that being smart is better than being macho

Concussions have become, quite rightly, a cause for concern and a major issue in sports, most notablythough certainly not exclusively in the world of football and, of course, hockey.

The concern exists not only at the professional level, but all the way through to youth sports.

The modern-day speed of games like hockey and football, the hard, massive equipment worn and the size of the players all create a potent cocktail that has seen the number of reported concussions seemingly skyrocket in the past few years.

However, what is too often lost in this debate is that much of the “problem” seems to stem from long-held, traditional attitudes about what it takes and what it means to be a “tough” athlete.

One former NHL player, Mike Van Ryn, is now the coach of young hockey players at the junior (under 20) level. Mike’s career ended abruptly when he suffered a serious injury. A defenseman, he was hurt going back to get the puck near the end boards in his own zone, when he was hammered by an opposing player.

The idea that you have to get to the puck first is part of the old hockey code, it seems. You have to be willing, players are told, to be tough and “take the hit”.

But Van Ryn is evidently telling his players that being smart can be the more prudent thing.

A March 22, 2011 story by Alan Maki in the Globe & Mail sports section well outlines Van Ryn’s teaching approach.

If the link doesn’t work, the story in brief is this: Van Ryn now looks back and wonders if he should have played a bit differently. Not necessarily more cautiously, perhaps, but smarter. Don’t feel, as a defenseman, that you always have to take the big hit behind your net to get to the puck first.

In fact, after a recent Ontario Hockey League game, when one of his defenseman, who is only 16 weights less than 170 pounds was being chased down by an older player who weighs 230 pounds, the younger player got out of the way.

He went back to the bench and apologized, no doubt feeling he had not played it tough enough and that he had let his teammates down, or that his coaches would be upset.

But as the Globe story reports, Van Ryn told the young man he did the right thing, while harkening back to the play that ended his own pro career when he was hit by fellow NHL’er Tom Kostopolous…

“I said to him, ‘You’re in a vulnerable position, try to protect yourself,’” Van Ryn recalled. “If I didn’t make a play on that puck, maybe I don’t get hurt. Maybe Tom Kostopoulos doesn’t get suspended.”

There is much talk, and rightly so again, about how to deal more effectively with concussions after the fact. The best thing we can do is to take steps to try to help prevent them as best we can in sports where there obviously is going to be tough, physical contact.

And changing the old ‘macho’ mentality, those attitudes that many of us still cling to, may be the hardest, but most important step of all. This is particularly important when this “attitude” seeps into the youth sports world.

This is something I’ve been advocating for some time (see older posts on this issue here "Time to Take a step back" and here , my column on headshots in hockey ), but it’s not a popular perspective, it seems. Yet many are coming to a similar conclusion-as we see in this link at the Toronto Star and at CBC Sports.

Hockey and football are great games. Sports can be a tremendous outlet and life experience for many, even a career for a few.

And fans love their athletes to be skilled, hard-working and yes, aggressive. But you can compete and still have respect for your opponent. And that can include being aware the he/she has the right to compete in an environment where they aren’t in danger of sustaining injuries that are, in fact, preventable, or injuries that result from dangerous, reckless or intentionally violent acts.

Highlighting some “Stylish Bloggers”

Recently, this site, TakingYou Beyond the Game, was nominated as a “stylish blogger”. It was unexpected but we very much appreciated the recognition.

One of the rewards/tasks is to nominate 15 others who deserve recognition as well—and we are glad to do just that.

Here are 15 blogs (not in any particular order!) that we enjoy and sense others may as well:

1. We want to nominate and acknowledge the blogger who first nominated us .  Solomon Alexander (of St. Louis) has created a very thoughtful and  interesting blog - Sportsmanship that showcases the respect, fair play, civility, and fun in sports.
2. Another site entitled JBMthinks. Wonderful articles on youth sports and family.
3. A youth hockey site called MacPherson hockey.
4. The Ultimate Sports Parent Blog is one of the best sites out there relating to youth sports.
5. If you have youngsters involved in baseball check out former Major Leaguer Jack Perconte’s Positive Parenting Tips Blog.
6. A dear old friend living in the U.S. mid-west has a very thoughtful blog called Midwestern Sensibilities.
7. One of the finest and most comprehensive hockey blogs on the ‘net is Preds on the Glass hosted by Buddy Oakes and his son Jackson.
8. If you enjoy good, simple writing that makes people think, visit Wrights Lane.
9. Check out StatsDad for a truly unique look at youth sports in America.
10. For those who are into health and eating with a conscience, try VeganDad .
11. Those interested in analysis of professional soccer, especially in Canada, from a former professional’s perspective with keen insight, visit Jason De Vos’ site at CBC sports.
12. A long-time professional columnist and writer at the Toronto Star, Vinay Menon, has put on his hockey fan’s hit this NHL season and launched an outstanding site at A Leafs Fan Blog with a great mix of analysis, humour and just the right amount of old-time frustration that only Maple Leaf hockey fans seem to have.
13. Design, art, architecture and sports, too at Frivolous Ornamentation Daily. 
14. A comprehensive look at all things in Canadian soccer with Bill Ault at Canada Kicks.
15. And a site that provides support and guidance about young people working toward their dreams and leading a healthy, active life at Inspiring Kids Today

All these above sites are worth visiting and if you have a moment, you may enjoy them as we have.

Best wishes.

The "Parent satisfaction checklist" regarding your child's youth coach

Surely thoughtful parents—and youth coaches—realize that there are far more important things than seeing your son or daughter’s team “win”.

Of course it’s fun to win. And, for better or worse, in youth leagues where we keep score, everyone knows who walks away from the field with the “w”.

However, in terms of what is actually important regarding a young athlete’s development and psyche, what are some of the things we should assess to determine if a youth coach is making progress with our son or daughter at those important early ages?

Here is a short checklist which might help keep things in perspective:

 Is the young player able to perform more of the essential skills than they were at the start of the season?

 When you watch your child’s team practice, is there a lot of standing around, or are all the kids active and engaged most of the time?

 Is actual instruction taking place?

 Has the coach taken the time to find out what your child really loves about the sport he/she is playing?

 Did your child’s coach meet with the team before the season started to establish joint expectations, to ensure there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings later on?

 Does your child leave practices happy? In other words, do they look forward to going to practice, and come home tired—in a good way?

 When you discuss the sport they are engaged in, is it a joyful thing for your child to talk about?

 Can you child’s coach actually demonstrate the skills they are discussing and/or trying to teach?

 Is the coach a good role-model for your son or daughter in terms of their language, behavior, attitude and the way they speak and interact with their young players, as well as game officials?

 Is the coach more concerned with winning or in developing the skills of each of his/her players?

 Is your child’s coach an effective communicator—with players and parents?

 Does the coach know how to motivate young athletes in a good way?

 Does your child’s coach make the experience fun?

Young people are involved in sports for a host of reasons. Perhaps their parents simply want them to be—or stay—active. They may love a particular sport and are “good” at it. They may just love to compete. They may even think that they want a future in the sport, for as long as they are able to play.

The one thing we don’t want to do as parents—or coaches—is to destroy the natural love the young person has for the game.

If you see you are having that affect as a parent, because of your constant criticism or attitude…STOP. Right now!

If your child’s coach helps make your son or daughter love the game even more, then that’s a huge positive.

If the coach, though, is chipping away or your child’s confidence or you see that your son or daughter no longer loves playing because of the coach, it is likely time to find a new coach.

That said, communicate first with the coach about the needs of your child. Open communication can break down barriers. A coach may be a good coach in many ways, but may not see the impact (if negative) that they are having on particular players.

Importantly, you need to understand what the coach is trying to achieve. They may be a "tough" coach, for example, but a very good and effective one.

But if they are not responsive or open to dialogue, you may have to find another situation for your child.

Solid youth sports values are worth promoting

 Perhaps if we crystallized what we try to write about at Taking You Beyond the Game it is this: we aim to  highlight values that ought to be promoted and reflected by all of us involved in youth sports.

Along these lines, many of our original articles appear on sites around not only Canada and the United States, but in many countries around the globe.

 Here are some examples of our articles available on the web:

• 
  The National Alliance for Youth Sports picked up our piece on qualities youth Coaches should strive to instill in their players 

• Our article on Soccer Sideline Etiquette for parents is featured by the National Soccer Coaches Association of America.

• Helping become better soccer parents was our profile picked up by the Carlsbad Lightning Soccer Club. 

• The importance of youth coaches working together effectively with parents before the new season starts presented by the Annandale Soccer Club. 

• Here is our podcast interview on building confidence in young players with The Ultimate Sports Parent.

We can all learn, whether we are six or sixty.  Attitudes can evolve and change for the better.  We can always do things a bit better when teaching, coaching and setting examples for our young.  There may not be too many “new” ideas in youth sports, but there are some, and we need to explore new approaches and examine and adopt “best practices”.  We need to discuss the best ideas “out there” openly and build on that and spread the word to ensure young people don’t lose their love of sport.

Young players need to have fun, enjoy the experience, but also learn about discipline, sharing, team work and the lessons that can be learned from “winning” and  “losing”.

Parents, schools, coaches, officials, Academies, Districts and Clubs—and young athletes themselves—all have important roles to play in making youth sports a great experience for everyone now and in the future.

Youth coaches and sportsmanship: another poor example

High school sports can be very, very competitive. School pride, banners, tradition, history. Longstanding rivalries that, in some cases, go back decades.

It can be exhilarating. But it can also get out of hand.

Two high school hockey coaches in Manitoba made a decision recently which led to a suspension. By allegedly asking their team to intentionally “throw” a game, the subsequent result eliminated a rival from advancing in playoff competition—a rival that apparently could have upset their championship dreams.

I first noticed the story on line at  - http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=356486  An even more in-depth piece was posted in the Winnipeg Sun at http://www.winnipegsun.com/sports/hockey/2011/03/03/17489011.html

The issue has since been discussed in various media outlets across the country.

The offending coaches have been suspended. I wonder if people believe this type of attitude and approach, in the name of “winning” and giving your own school team a better chance to win a championship, is defensible or even acceptable? Or do you see this as yet another example of poor sportsmanship and adults setting a poor example for our youth?

Send your comments along.