Kids need to learn “how to lose”, yes, but do we really teach them how? And do we know how to teach it?

One of the criticisms about the introduction of Long-Term Player Development (LTPD) in sports such as soccer here in Canada is that it “kills competition”.

The truth is, that is not what LTPD is about.  What LTPD does look to do is to move Clubs, coaches and parents away from an obsession with winning at the very young ages and instead, focus on ways to help each individual player develop their skills.  Youngsters who want to play purely for fun can do exactly that.  Those that aspire to a future in the sport will be able to focus on what’s really most important:  enhancing the skills they need to achieve their goals.

The above is ideally accomplished in an environment that allows kids to try things and make “mistakes” in games—without worrying that a wayward pass may cost their team a “victory” and a chance to be “promoted” to a better league next season.

Too often in sports like soccer, coaches look for (“poach” in many instances) and select for their teams the biggest, fastest, oldest (born early in the calendar year) players to build their team.  A couple of these players at U9, U10 and U11 can often create a “winning” team.  Actually developing the skills of all the players on the teams becomes an afterthought, and gets lost in translation.

What about the small player, or the late-bloomer?  Forget it.  He or she gets lost in the shuffle when winning is what really matters.

But back to the criticism of LTPD:  some opposing LTPD say that kids need to “learn how to lose” and that by taking away scores at the young ages, we are doing a disservice to youngsters who need to face these important life lessons.

Well, while we all have to learn how to handle life’s trials and hardships, it’s difficult to see why little kids at the ages of 8, 9 and 10, for example, need to deal with “losing” a game.  For anyone in sports, there is plenty of time to “learn” to deal with losing and with things not going our way.  There is still a lot of competition within the LTPD philosophy, but the focus is simply different.  If nothing else, if it helps to reduce the number of youth coaches (and parents) who scream at young players to just “get rid of the ball” or “kick it out, kick it out…” and yell from the sidelines about what the adults see as mistakes—and thereby creating undue anxiety in youngsters paralyzed by the fear of making a “mistake”—it would be a huge success.

The really sad point about critics who just can’t accept the de-emphasis on scores and standings at young ages, and who harp on the notion that “kids have to learn how to lose”, is that many of those same people clearly don’t do a very good job of actually teaching their own children how to lose.

We can say the words, “kids need to learn how to lose”, but do we really understand what we should be teaching them?  It’s way more than learning how to lose a game without temper tantrums, though that would be a start.  It’s learning how to win graciously.  It’s sportsmanship.  It’s attitude.  It’s working hard, truly doing your very best, then learning how to keep your “wins and losses” in youth sports in some kind of appropriate life perspective.

Too often we visit local soccer fields and we see parents screaming on the sidelines and coaches out of control.  We witness parents, coaches and even very young players yelling at referees, showing a total lack of respect for decisions that are made.  Some of these same parents and coaches themselves don’t know how to lose—and they are the people teaching the young athletes.

It’s easy to spot “star” players who get all puffed up when they score the winning goal, but blame others and whine when they lose, or who treat their less talented teammates as “less than”.  Is that what kids should be taught?  Who is actually helping them to learn how to be a better “winner”,  “loser”—and teammate?

Being a “winner”—as a coach, parent or player—surely is about much more than how many goals are scored in a game.  That’s part of the equation, but only part.  And so often, that message is not taught.  All the other (important) characteristics that make-up a “winner”—including being a great teammate, setting the right kind of examples, supporting teammates when they are down, respecting the opposition—are often simply ignored because our team scored at the end and we won the game.

There is much more to teaching our kids about life and coping with losing than we can share here today in this space.  But let me reiterate the point:  it’s fine to talk about the importance of kids learning how to lose.  But who is doing the teaching?  Are we simply leaving the kids on their own?  Are we adults—coaches, parents, teachers, sports leaders—setting any kind of example?  What values do we hold that we are passing along?  More importantly, what values do we actually live and model?

Are coaches getting the professional development (yes even grassroots coaches benefit from ongoing personal development) to learn how to better communicate and help kids with learning to lose—and win? Because if the individuals teaching these life lessons about “losing” are the same people who make youngsters want to quit sports by the age of 13 because their parents and coached killed the love the youngster had for their sport, then we have much bigger issues than whether LTPD discourages keeping scores at young ages.

Can we ever truly move past “winning” in youth sports?

We have written many original articles over the years (including posts on this site) on the value and importance of some old-fashioned but still relevant values in youth sports:  a) sportsmanship b) what it means to be a real team player and c) why communication, attitude and behavior is important when it comes to coaching youth sports, and how it can help build confidence and character in young people.

But sometimes we wonder if people will ever be truly able to move past the absolute over-emphasis on winning at the youth level.

We still celebrate winning on a regular basis.  Look at the Little League baseball World Series every August.  This is not to say there is something wrong with that longstanding tradition, but it’s hard not to wonder if we haven’t left behind a trail of disillusioned youngsters who weren’t the "winners"—but were subjected to mental and verbal abuse from those closest to them in the name of trying to “win a championship”. 

Name a city. Name a sport.  It’s the same everywhere.

To be clear, as we often stress in the seminars we do for youth sports organizations and coaches, as parents, we've made plenty of “mistakes” ourselves.  To this day (even with our four sons now adults) it’s sometimes hard to shed the competitiveness that too many of us carry as parents and/or as coaches.

Thankfully, we are seeing in some countries and in many youth sports, a renewed focus on fun and player development rather than “winning” at young ages in sports. The intent is that, even for elite players, they should enjoy their sport but also spend more time trying to improve their skills rather than playing 100 games a year and playing in as many tournaments as possible to get more “medals”.

Does that mean everything we do know is wrong?  That it’s wrong to try to "win" and earn “medals”.

We don’t think so, but hopefully a new emphasis will translate into new attitudes around kids in sport.  But the reality is, these things take time.

When you are a Mom or Dad (maybe not all Moms' and Dads', but an awful lot!) and you’re watching your 12 year-old daughter compete in a baseball or soccer game, for example, what are your natural instincts?  In most cases, it is of course to hope that your daughter plays well, has personal “success” and that their team “wins”.

While that might well be a natural instinct, and “healthy” on one level, something else seems to have arisen through the years.  That is, that generations-worth of emphasis on exactly that last objective, winning, has seemingly made it difficult to model and teach those other values and objectives we spoke of above—and are supposed to be teaching every day in every aspect of our lives:  sportsmanship and the importance of acting appropriately when you are part of a “team”.

These things may sound simple, but they must not be, or there would not be so many instances, large and small, of parents going over the top, or coaches doing the same.

But it’s not always the big “incidents” that get media play or are nowadays captured on You Tube.  It is the little lessons (many bad) that we model and reflect in our attitude:  the comments that we as adults and supposed role-models make about kids, coaches, administrators, umpires and referees.

When we yell at a teenage referee at a soccer game for 10 year-olds, it reveals something about us and diminishes us.  That is not the best “us”, and not what we strive to show our own kids, or any youngster.

And it may just send the message to kids that this kind of behaviour is OK, because it’s "sports", and competing is about trying to get an edge, to “win”.

Whenever we criticize a player on another team, it’s the same thing.  Or talk about our child’s coach to other parents, it has the same effect.

Eventually the toxicity spreads—most importantly, to the kids themselves.

If you’re interested, check out some of our original articles on this site by clicking on posts of interest on the right-hand of this space.

We don’t have all the answers.  No one does.  But many people seem to care about this subject, and if more and more people—parents, coaches and all those involved in youth sports—can genuinely try to fight their “natural” inclinations and step beyond our own self (and sometimes selfish) interests, maybe we can slowly help change attitudes- starting with our own.

Is “fun” a dirty word in youth sports?

We came across an worthwhile piece a few days ago on the subject of “fun” in youth sports.

Now, we all say that youth sports should be “about the kids”.  Who would argue with that premise?  No one would, at least not publicly.

And further, we make the claim that kids should be having fun—otherwise, why would they turn to activities like swimming, baseball, soccer and gymnastics for recreation?

If something really isn’t fun-because of the attitude of coaches or parents, or because youngsters simply feel “pressure”- chances are they will gravitate away from sports and seek other options (sometimes less healthy) as to how to spend their time.

So while we all will stand up and say “it’s about the kids”, and we have to make sure they are having “fun”, that’s not always what happens in the day-to-day world of youth sports.

Former Canadian National soccer team captain Jason De Vos takes it once step further in his piece on attitudes in youth sport.  (Here’s the link http://www.cbc.ca/sports/blogs/jasondevos/2011/09/fun-shouldnt-be-considered-foul-language-in-canadian-soccer.html  )

It’s a piece that should be reflected upon—and discussed.  We agree with De Vos’ conclusion:  you can, in fact,  develop young athletes well and properly (so some can in fact go on to play at the highest levels of their chosen sport) and still have fun, and enjoy the youth sports experience.

So much, though, is up to coaches—and all of us, as parents.