New Jersey high school bullying incident shows we still have a long way to go…

We have written here over the years about our concerns around bullying and hazing.  The attitude that creates that bullying mindset still seems to exist in the high school and youth sports culture.

A recent series of stories in the U.S. national media (here is a link to a story on ESPN) revealed that a decision was made to cancel the football season of a prominent local high school in New Jersey as a result of an investigation into bullying behaviour.

Sadly, too many still cling to the notion that sports is its own world, and does not have to adhere to the moral and ethical codes that the rest of society adopts.  How often have we heard phrases like “boys will be boys” as though that makes terrible behaviour acceptable?

Similarly, for generations youngsters have actually been encouraged by some adults to believe in the maxim, “What’s said or done in the locker room, stays in the locker room”.  In other words, there is a clear threat that if you want to be part of “the club”, you have to set aside personal ethics and norms of behaviour and not only tolerate but say nothing about behaviour that is, in some cases, morally bankrupt.

The added kicker is this:  if a young person witnesses or experiences hazing or bullying in a sports environment, they are not supposed to report it, because that breaks the old “code” cited above: that the “team” and the locker room is a brotherhood and everyone sticks together.

How many times are frightened young people put in a situation where they are abused and then threatened and told by their peers not to say anything? If the young person “tells”, they will be shunned or harassed by teammates.  If they don’t “talk”, they inadvertently cover up behaviour that should be revealed so those in authority can deal with the situation properly.

It’s unfair and intolerable that these youngsters are made to feel they are doing the wrong thing by reporting what they know to adults.

When it comes to intimidation, hazing, threats and bullying, the idea that “what is said and done here, stays here” is wrong-headed. That thinking—and that type of behaviour—was never acceptable and should never have been tolerated.

Ironically, we are sickened when we hear about professional athletes (e.g. Ray Rice) acting in a manner that is violent, harmful and unacceptable on any level.

Yet where does that kind of behaviour begin? 

Often times it is in a world where young athletes are treated as “better than” because of their athletic skill.  They have a sense of entitlement. They believe that they are above consequences for their behaviour. These youngsters are made to feel they are better than everyone else and can do whatever they want—without having to answer for their actions.

When that attitude leads to unacceptable behaviour, it cannot be tolerated.

For many, hazing is still “tradition”.  It’s acceptable.  It is not only OK, but it should not be criticized or even talked about. It should be swept under the carpet.

We should applaud that school officials in Sayreville, New Jersey took a stand.  Whether the officials should have acted sooner is difficult to determine, but a firm stand was called for—and evidently taken.

Hazing and bullying have nothing to do with team building. The New Jersey situation is one that we heard about. How often do we not hear about behaviour that should not be tolerated—because people are afraid to speak out?

Greater awareness has developed around the issues of bullying and hazing in schools, sports and society in general in recent years.  But there are some old attitudes that still need to change—and it can’t happen too quickly.

The Incognito NFL suspension: the lies we tell ourselves when we say ‘boys will be boys’

How often do we hear, not only at the professional levels but all the way down to the youth levels in sports that, “what’s said in the dressing room should stay in the dressing room”.

In other words, anyone—adult or youngster—who dares to not conform to hazing, or refuses to tolerate abuse or mistreatment directed their way is not a “man”.  They don’t know how to “take it”.  We are all—parents, coaches, administrators, etc.—supposed to turn our heads and accept inappropriate, cruel or simply unethical and ignorant behaviour because “boys will be boys”.

That’s garbage, plain and simple.  It always has been and still is.

The latest “bullying” story comes to us not from some local amateur team, or a kids’ league, but from the world of professional football.  And my hope is that the incident (or series of incidents) which caused second-year NFL’er Jonathan Martin of the Miami Dolphins to recently leave the squad suddenly will wake people up all across the board.

After bolting the team in a highly distressed state prior to a Thursday evening game the week of October 28, details leaked out that described a series of alleged threatening behaviours on the part of one of Martin’s teammates, Richie Incognito.  While Incognito reportedly denied at first any unacceptable behaviour on his part (and the team initially tried to claim there was no proof of bullying) it was announced on November 4 that the offending player had in fact been suspended indefinitely.

What became clear over time as the investigation continued is that there had been a long pattern of abusive behaviour, including the fact that that Incognito allegedly used racial slurs in certain forms of communication when interacting on social media with Martin.

What we don’t know is whether the use of highly inappropriate racial language was what actually caused the Dolphins to suspend Incognito.

A fair question to ask is: would the team have reacted if they had not discovered proof of racially inappropriate comments?  Clearly, such actions are suspension- worthy in any walk of life, but the follow-up question is:  why did the behaviour need to get to that level before the Dolphins acted?

Surely no one, absolutely no one in this day and age would, could or should tolerate racial (or other) discrimination of any kind. But there are all kinds of behaviours, comments and actions that don’t include that awful language or type of attitude that are nonetheless despicable and worthy of not only scrutiny but of a swift and decisive response.

Bullying, as we have written many times before in this space—whether in Grade 4 or in the NFL—is indefensible and should not be tolerated.  Full stop. 

This behaviour is learned somewhere.  It is encouraged somewhere. It grows and spreads like a disease if parents and adults (who, sadly, are often at the root of how this hateful behaviour develops) don’t deal with it at the early ages.

The world is full of “real men”, to use that expression, in the world of athletics and all other walks of life, who would never and have never stooped to behaving like an entitled, ignorant cement-head with no sense of values and no moral compass.

Yet the sports world seems to somehow still embrace this age-old, archaic attitude of “what goes on the in dressing room should stay there”.  Really?  What is being hidden there that others should not hear or see?  Why can’t it be exposed?

Of course there are all kinds of good, positive characteristics that should be associated with being part of a team.  Helping a teammate when they are down, assisting them when they have personal troubles, embracing their differences when it comes to what we may feel is “the norm”. Just being a considerate, thoughtful, supportive colleague in a team environment. That’s all good.

Athletics can indeed teach us many good things.  Sports can help build character. But when I see a story like this, it just reminds me, and should remind us all, that we have a long way to go.  Society has evolved over the last hundred or more years.  Thoughtful, determined, courageous people have fought for equal rights—in every sense—for all, regardless of colour, religion or ethnicity.  We don’t accept bigotry.  We don’t allow harassment or hatred to be shown toward “groups” that had been considered minorities or unfairly isolated decades ago, whether it be women, those with physical or mental challenges, or individuals with a “different” sexual orientation than the majority.

Yet on this question of bullying—which is often rooted in group think and the worst kind of human attitudes and behaviour, including in the world of youth, collegiate and professional sports—most of us are silent.

The Dolphins have a major issue on their hands, and a simple suspension won’t rid that team of the toxicity that reportedly surrounds it.  But my guess is they are not the only professional sports team that has similar problems. It took a courageous young athlete to finally say, essentially, “I’ve had enough” to wake the sports world up.

But will people really wake up?

I have little doubt there many NFL’ers who are thinking—if not outright saying—that Martin should just toughen up, that if he can’t take it, he should do something else for a living.

And if that is really what other players think, if that is really the attitude they have and thus the example they are setting for our young people (prospective athletes or not) we have an even deeper societal problem than I suspect.  Those individuals need only look in the mirror if someone they love ever faces abuse or bullying for any reason, because their attitude has delivered the biggest, most damaging—and most toxic—message possible.

Because if that is indeed the prevailing view, how long will it take society to turn this ship around? I cringe at the answer.

Hazing in sports just another form of bullying, and it has to stop

The recent hazing controversy involving Dalhousie (located in Nova Scotia, Canada) University women’s hockey team reminds us there is a long way to go before the issues of bullying are behind us.  “Hazing” is merely another form of bullying.  That it occurs in the often protected and "hush hush" world of sports makes it no more acceptable than any other kind of bullying.

The women’s hockey program at Dalhousie has been suspended.  News reports (including in the Globe and Mail) quoting university spokespersons suggest it was a very serious matter.  The university acted swiftly to launch an investigation when made aware of the issue.

Sadly, in the world of men and even boys’ youth/amateur sports, this type of behaviour is all too common. This notion of making newcomers to a team engage in certain activities to gain acceptance to the "club" was always indefensible and yet too often ignored by school or team officials.  How often have we heard the old adage, “boys will be boys” as though the behaviour was acceptable?  And this is part of the dreadful mentality that has allowed awful behavior to be passed off as socially acceptable for decades.

And it is just plain wrong—and always has been.

Why has it ever been “OK” for one person to intimidate another based on size, beliefs, whatever?  Why do “groups” get away with bullying others because an individual looks or acts differently than the “norm”?  That this kind of thinking has been unofficially embraced in the sports community is a tragedy.  It certainly is not a a good way to promote the values of  sport and belonging to a team- or a school.

Real "team play" has to do with respecting your teammates—and the opposition, for that matter—regardless of whether they look, act or talk the way you do or are “as good” a player as you are.  In fact, differences should be celebrated.

Forcing people to do something as a "lark" is never OK.  We’re not talking about helping a shy person come out of their shell. When discussing hazing, we are talking about about creating a threatening scenario where often frightened, coerced individuals feel they have to do things that go against their beliefs or that they are simply not comfortable with, in order to be “accepted” by teammates.  Why do some people feel they must make other individuals conform?  The fact is, it is morally bankrupt behaviour.

We’ve discussed this issue before here.  In fact, we recently mentioned a story that actually highlighted  an interesting—and positive—response to a case of bullying in a school in the United States.  School athletes were involved in providing a creative "solution" to a difficult circumstance.  Sadly, contrary to what popular opinion might be, it’s clear that even women’s sports are sometimes afflicted with this unfortunate phenomenon.

Sports ought to be fun, healthy, competitive and should strive to hold young people—and even professionals—to a high standard of behavior along the way.  Sports should, and often does, inspire youngsters and bring out the best in them.

These stories remind us, however, there are still vestiges of the bad old days out there.  And good for Dalhousie for taking a strong stand against one of its its own teams.

Hazing a sad throwback to thoughtless times

There are many positive, supportive and intelligent ways in which to bring a “team” together at any level, including in youth sports.  In fact, the notion of helping teammates bond together can be a very good thing indeed, in sports, in the workplace- and in life.  Specifically in the sporting realm, to be successful at the elite, competitive levels, it surely helps to  have a group of teammates who truly respect one another, work hard for one another and support one another—especially when things go off the rails.

That’s where true character and leadership often show themselves, by how individuals behave toward one another when things are difficult on a team.

But one part of what some people still (for some reason) see as an acceptable form of bonding is something that would never be accepted in any other setting—a type of cruel initiation commonly referred to as “hazing”.

That this still occurs in certain college, high school or youth sports settings is disturbing in itself. Surely we have reached a point where this kind of approach to creating "acceptance" or “team harmony” should be recognized as not only absurd but harmful and potentially emotionally damaging.

But every once in a while, stories surface which remind us more yet needs to be done to educate—and if that fails—simply enforce a zero tolerance policy, with strong consequences, to end this senseless behavior.

The latest incident along these lines allegedly took place in northern Manitoba.  The story link can be found here:

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/TopStories/20111026/hazing-hockey-manitoba-111026/

Thankfully, authorities in question have apparently acted quickly.

Sadly, some still think that, as part of some old-fashioned and ridiculous team thing, youngsters shouldn’t reveal when this type of thing occurs. But silence, under the ridiculous guise team-building and a "what happens in the clubhouse should stay in the clubhouse" philosophy, only allows the cruelty to continue.

And that kind of team-building is nonsense—and nothing else.