New Jersey high school bullying incident shows we still have a long way to go…

We have written here over the years about our concerns around bullying and hazing.  The attitude that creates that bullying mindset still seems to exist in the high school and youth sports culture.

A recent series of stories in the U.S. national media (here is a link to a story on ESPN) revealed that a decision was made to cancel the football season of a prominent local high school in New Jersey as a result of an investigation into bullying behaviour.

Sadly, too many still cling to the notion that sports is its own world, and does not have to adhere to the moral and ethical codes that the rest of society adopts.  How often have we heard phrases like “boys will be boys” as though that makes terrible behaviour acceptable?

Similarly, for generations youngsters have actually been encouraged by some adults to believe in the maxim, “What’s said or done in the locker room, stays in the locker room”.  In other words, there is a clear threat that if you want to be part of “the club”, you have to set aside personal ethics and norms of behaviour and not only tolerate but say nothing about behaviour that is, in some cases, morally bankrupt.

The added kicker is this:  if a young person witnesses or experiences hazing or bullying in a sports environment, they are not supposed to report it, because that breaks the old “code” cited above: that the “team” and the locker room is a brotherhood and everyone sticks together.

How many times are frightened young people put in a situation where they are abused and then threatened and told by their peers not to say anything? If the young person “tells”, they will be shunned or harassed by teammates.  If they don’t “talk”, they inadvertently cover up behaviour that should be revealed so those in authority can deal with the situation properly.

It’s unfair and intolerable that these youngsters are made to feel they are doing the wrong thing by reporting what they know to adults.

When it comes to intimidation, hazing, threats and bullying, the idea that “what is said and done here, stays here” is wrong-headed. That thinking—and that type of behaviour—was never acceptable and should never have been tolerated.

Ironically, we are sickened when we hear about professional athletes (e.g. Ray Rice) acting in a manner that is violent, harmful and unacceptable on any level.

Yet where does that kind of behaviour begin? 

Often times it is in a world where young athletes are treated as “better than” because of their athletic skill.  They have a sense of entitlement. They believe that they are above consequences for their behaviour. These youngsters are made to feel they are better than everyone else and can do whatever they want—without having to answer for their actions.

When that attitude leads to unacceptable behaviour, it cannot be tolerated.

For many, hazing is still “tradition”.  It’s acceptable.  It is not only OK, but it should not be criticized or even talked about. It should be swept under the carpet.

We should applaud that school officials in Sayreville, New Jersey took a stand.  Whether the officials should have acted sooner is difficult to determine, but a firm stand was called for—and evidently taken.

Hazing and bullying have nothing to do with team building. The New Jersey situation is one that we heard about. How often do we not hear about behaviour that should not be tolerated—because people are afraid to speak out?

Greater awareness has developed around the issues of bullying and hazing in schools, sports and society in general in recent years.  But there are some old attitudes that still need to change—and it can’t happen too quickly.

The Incognito NFL suspension: the lies we tell ourselves when we say ‘boys will be boys’

How often do we hear, not only at the professional levels but all the way down to the youth levels in sports that, “what’s said in the dressing room should stay in the dressing room”.

In other words, anyone—adult or youngster—who dares to not conform to hazing, or refuses to tolerate abuse or mistreatment directed their way is not a “man”.  They don’t know how to “take it”.  We are all—parents, coaches, administrators, etc.—supposed to turn our heads and accept inappropriate, cruel or simply unethical and ignorant behaviour because “boys will be boys”.

That’s garbage, plain and simple.  It always has been and still is.

The latest “bullying” story comes to us not from some local amateur team, or a kids’ league, but from the world of professional football.  And my hope is that the incident (or series of incidents) which caused second-year NFL’er Jonathan Martin of the Miami Dolphins to recently leave the squad suddenly will wake people up all across the board.

After bolting the team in a highly distressed state prior to a Thursday evening game the week of October 28, details leaked out that described a series of alleged threatening behaviours on the part of one of Martin’s teammates, Richie Incognito.  While Incognito reportedly denied at first any unacceptable behaviour on his part (and the team initially tried to claim there was no proof of bullying) it was announced on November 4 that the offending player had in fact been suspended indefinitely.

What became clear over time as the investigation continued is that there had been a long pattern of abusive behaviour, including the fact that that Incognito allegedly used racial slurs in certain forms of communication when interacting on social media with Martin.

What we don’t know is whether the use of highly inappropriate racial language was what actually caused the Dolphins to suspend Incognito.

A fair question to ask is: would the team have reacted if they had not discovered proof of racially inappropriate comments?  Clearly, such actions are suspension- worthy in any walk of life, but the follow-up question is:  why did the behaviour need to get to that level before the Dolphins acted?

Surely no one, absolutely no one in this day and age would, could or should tolerate racial (or other) discrimination of any kind. But there are all kinds of behaviours, comments and actions that don’t include that awful language or type of attitude that are nonetheless despicable and worthy of not only scrutiny but of a swift and decisive response.

Bullying, as we have written many times before in this space—whether in Grade 4 or in the NFL—is indefensible and should not be tolerated.  Full stop. 

This behaviour is learned somewhere.  It is encouraged somewhere. It grows and spreads like a disease if parents and adults (who, sadly, are often at the root of how this hateful behaviour develops) don’t deal with it at the early ages.

The world is full of “real men”, to use that expression, in the world of athletics and all other walks of life, who would never and have never stooped to behaving like an entitled, ignorant cement-head with no sense of values and no moral compass.

Yet the sports world seems to somehow still embrace this age-old, archaic attitude of “what goes on the in dressing room should stay there”.  Really?  What is being hidden there that others should not hear or see?  Why can’t it be exposed?

Of course there are all kinds of good, positive characteristics that should be associated with being part of a team.  Helping a teammate when they are down, assisting them when they have personal troubles, embracing their differences when it comes to what we may feel is “the norm”. Just being a considerate, thoughtful, supportive colleague in a team environment. That’s all good.

Athletics can indeed teach us many good things.  Sports can help build character. But when I see a story like this, it just reminds me, and should remind us all, that we have a long way to go.  Society has evolved over the last hundred or more years.  Thoughtful, determined, courageous people have fought for equal rights—in every sense—for all, regardless of colour, religion or ethnicity.  We don’t accept bigotry.  We don’t allow harassment or hatred to be shown toward “groups” that had been considered minorities or unfairly isolated decades ago, whether it be women, those with physical or mental challenges, or individuals with a “different” sexual orientation than the majority.

Yet on this question of bullying—which is often rooted in group think and the worst kind of human attitudes and behaviour, including in the world of youth, collegiate and professional sports—most of us are silent.

The Dolphins have a major issue on their hands, and a simple suspension won’t rid that team of the toxicity that reportedly surrounds it.  But my guess is they are not the only professional sports team that has similar problems. It took a courageous young athlete to finally say, essentially, “I’ve had enough” to wake the sports world up.

But will people really wake up?

I have little doubt there many NFL’ers who are thinking—if not outright saying—that Martin should just toughen up, that if he can’t take it, he should do something else for a living.

And if that is really what other players think, if that is really the attitude they have and thus the example they are setting for our young people (prospective athletes or not) we have an even deeper societal problem than I suspect.  Those individuals need only look in the mirror if someone they love ever faces abuse or bullying for any reason, because their attitude has delivered the biggest, most damaging—and most toxic—message possible.

Because if that is indeed the prevailing view, how long will it take society to turn this ship around? I cringe at the answer.

Lance Armstrong: a “mistake” or 15 years of lies, bullying and manipulation?

Lance Armstrong has become one of those polarizing sports figures in modern America.  He has been seen for years—and in many ways, correctly so—as a courageous cancer-fighter, a world champion, a kind of sports “warrior”.

But now, we also come to find out what many have suspected (or actually knew) for a long time: that is, that Armstrong’s “victories” were in fact fuelled by performance-enhancing drugs.  For many amateur and professional athletes over the past thirty years or more, success fueled (at least in part) by drugs has not been infrequent, unfortunately.

But more than cheating, which is not uncommon, we have also seen Armstrong’s bold and repeated denials about drug use. And we have witnessed his finger-pointing (at his accusers) along the way, as investigators and the media began to uncover a behind-the-scenes (and often public) form of incessant bullying, as he and his “team” evidently tried—ultimately in vain—to silence those who knew too much about his activities.

That he is now “telling his story” (Oprah) and reportedly admitting to his persistent lies will lead many to immediately forgive him.  But the question remains:  is there not a difference between a major but still isolated, one-time “mistake” that any of us might make and should own up to, versus a repeated litany of lies and a massive cover-up?

When you are seen as a modern-day hero, and you not only accept the attendant fame and unreserved adulation but also take advantage of it to make millions—and not just for “charity” but for yourself—is that the kind of thing that those who believed in this individual should just accept, now that an admission of sorts has (finally) been forthcoming?

Clearly, we can only surmise that, had Armstrong never been ‘found out’, he would have continued to accept the baubles of fame and, when necessary, also continued to maintain his supposed innocence forever.  We might also assume that he would have continued to successfully bully and try to silence those who wanted to speak the truth.

Is that ever, really, forgivable?

It’s a question many who admired and supported Armstrong—and the “values” he claimed to live by and promote—must be asking themselves.

Maybe more importantly, what do young, aspiring athletes learn from this fiasco? Is there much to be gained from lying?  Is it enough to finally offer up an apology this late in the “game” after years of deception?  Are performance-enhancing drugs worth it?

Hopefully, young athletes, coaches and parents can stand back and see that the web that was weaved by Armstrong and his “protectors” was flawed, that while he was a tremendous athlete, a fine competitor, he was, in the end, not a positive role model.  Hopefully they will see the good that he did, but also recognize that he hid behind deception—and bullied his way to a hallowed and in many ways undeserved image.

Hazing in sports just another form of bullying, and it has to stop

The recent hazing controversy involving Dalhousie (located in Nova Scotia, Canada) University women’s hockey team reminds us there is a long way to go before the issues of bullying are behind us.  “Hazing” is merely another form of bullying.  That it occurs in the often protected and "hush hush" world of sports makes it no more acceptable than any other kind of bullying.

The women’s hockey program at Dalhousie has been suspended.  News reports (including in the Globe and Mail) quoting university spokespersons suggest it was a very serious matter.  The university acted swiftly to launch an investigation when made aware of the issue.

Sadly, in the world of men and even boys’ youth/amateur sports, this type of behaviour is all too common. This notion of making newcomers to a team engage in certain activities to gain acceptance to the "club" was always indefensible and yet too often ignored by school or team officials.  How often have we heard the old adage, “boys will be boys” as though the behaviour was acceptable?  And this is part of the dreadful mentality that has allowed awful behavior to be passed off as socially acceptable for decades.

And it is just plain wrong—and always has been.

Why has it ever been “OK” for one person to intimidate another based on size, beliefs, whatever?  Why do “groups” get away with bullying others because an individual looks or acts differently than the “norm”?  That this kind of thinking has been unofficially embraced in the sports community is a tragedy.  It certainly is not a a good way to promote the values of  sport and belonging to a team- or a school.

Real "team play" has to do with respecting your teammates—and the opposition, for that matter—regardless of whether they look, act or talk the way you do or are “as good” a player as you are.  In fact, differences should be celebrated.

Forcing people to do something as a "lark" is never OK.  We’re not talking about helping a shy person come out of their shell. When discussing hazing, we are talking about about creating a threatening scenario where often frightened, coerced individuals feel they have to do things that go against their beliefs or that they are simply not comfortable with, in order to be “accepted” by teammates.  Why do some people feel they must make other individuals conform?  The fact is, it is morally bankrupt behaviour.

We’ve discussed this issue before here.  In fact, we recently mentioned a story that actually highlighted  an interesting—and positive—response to a case of bullying in a school in the United States.  School athletes were involved in providing a creative "solution" to a difficult circumstance.  Sadly, contrary to what popular opinion might be, it’s clear that even women’s sports are sometimes afflicted with this unfortunate phenomenon.

Sports ought to be fun, healthy, competitive and should strive to hold young people—and even professionals—to a high standard of behavior along the way.  Sports should, and often does, inspire youngsters and bring out the best in them.

These stories remind us, however, there are still vestiges of the bad old days out there.  And good for Dalhousie for taking a strong stand against one of its its own teams.

Youth sports, bullying and a story that warms the heart

“Bullying” has become an often-used term in recent years, and rightly so.  More and more people have stepped forward to try to, somehow, deal with a phenomenon that has actually, sadly, been around for generations. 

Years ago it wasn’t necessarily called “bullying”, but the impact was the same.  If you were somehow “different”, you were targeted, picked on.  It might be the way you “looked”.  (To the aggressor, any little physical feature would do.)  It could be your religious or ethnic background.  It could be your physical size.  It could be the way that you spoke, or where you came from.

Just about anything was fair game to those whose small minds and cruel hearts made it a twisted game.

The abuse came in many forms.  A child might be pushed around physically.  They may be ignored or talked about behind their back.  The attacks might have been verbal and constant.  They could be subtle or not subtle at all. 

When adults do this it carries no particular name.  It is simply seen as petty and mean-spirited.  When young people do it nowadays, it is called bullying.  And that’s exactly what it is.  And it does have to stop, however impossible a challenge that seems to be.

While more attention is, thankfully, paid to this sickness these days, it has always been a sad, ugly part of the human existence.  What causes youngsters to act out in this way—envy, discomfort, their own insecurities, anger, hatred— is a question no one can fully answer.  Regardless, what we now call bullying  remains one of our deadlier societal “diseases”—and one that we have not been able to cure.

A touching story from Rick Reilly at ESPN (click to see his piece) tells the tale of a young high school girl in Arizona who has been struggling to cope with “bullies” at school.  Her story is all the sadder, on the one hand, because though she is a sophomore in high school, her ability to connect with others is not like that of most kids in Grade 10.  Her level of comprehension is evidently more at a Grade 3 level.

As you will note in the story, at the end of the day, it is some of the school’s popular athletes who deal with her struggles in a passionate, touching manner.

In truth, it has been the experience of many people throughout generations—as far back as anyone can remember—that it has too often been the “cool” kids, the “popular” kids, especially the athletes in a school setting (whether it be elementary school, high school or college and university) who are the ones who pick on, ridicule and bully others—anyone who is “different” from them.

They use their group mentality to intimidate, threaten and ensure “silence” when silence is needed protect their own inexcusable behavior.  Yet ironically, many of these same athletes are often lauded publicly by their coach or school teachers who see them as “leaders”, all the while either willfully ignoring or being unaware of the nasty behavior that lurks behind the phony veneer of the popular athletes they trumpet as school leaders.

This story I am referring to today has a happy ending, however.  It took a mother’s direct intervention (after school authorities were incapable of handling the situation) and a positive response from the high school football team to make it happen, but the outcome has been an uplifting one for all concerned—except the bullies.

That the school’s football players were able to make things better for the young girl without resorting to a bullying mentality or approach themselves is encouraging in itself.  I invite you to check out the ESPN story.

We’re a long way from solving an issue that has been part of the human condition for far too long, but perhaps stories like this will embolden other “popular” young people, including young athletes, to take a stand and make a difference.