Check out Michael’s podcast interview

Michael Langlois, who has written many of the articles on this site, was interviewed recently by Lisa Cohen, an award-winning parenting author.

Lisa is the co-founder of The Ultimate Sports Parent web site, based in Florida. To read the Ultimate Sport Parent blog click here.

If you would like to hear Lisa's interview with Michael, click on the link below to listen to the podcast (Show #87) entitled “Coach and parent communication to build kids’ confidence” .

In this interview, Michael provides suggestions for youth coaches and how they can communicate more effectively with their young players, to help build the players' confidence.  He also provides some helpful comments directed at the youth soccer coaching community.

Two more of our articles are available at “Suite 101”

Follow the links to read our most recent articles on Suite101.com.

One discusses how NFL star Braylon Edwards and the New York Jets sent a poor message to young people after the player’s recent DUI arrest.

The other article, “What kind of Sport Parent Are You?” raises important issues about parental behaviour at youth sporting events.

Youth coaches setting poor examples for young athletes never seems to stop

Not many days go by without some kind of incident in youth sports that reminds us that, all too often, adults are not modeling strong and positive behaviour for our young people.

A recent case in point: In a youth football league for 12 year-olds in Texas, a recent game saw coaches involved in not only a dispute with one another, but a rather disturbing brawl which was captured on film.

In an ensuing TV news report, a young player from one of the teams suggested that he had been grabbed and thrown by an opposing coach, which allegedly led to a fight between coaches from both teams.

Since that time, the league in question has suspended a number of coaches, but not any players, as their behaviour was not an issue. However, both teams were initially barred from participating in the upcoming playoffs, though that decision may be rescinded.

Regardless of whether it is fair to punish youngsters for the poor behaviour of their parents or coaches (and some will argue that the kids must suffer if only to discourage adults from behaving badly in future), the events tell a sad tale. Why would any adult coach in any way touch or physically handle a young person? Whether the young player is on their team or the opposing side, surely aggressive physical contact is never acceptable.

We all understand that youth sports is emotional and often a highly-charged atmosphere. It doesn’t take much to get some people going. If a coach did engage with an opposing young player in this way, it’s not surprising there was a negative reaction from the other bench. That said, for the game to degenerate into fisticuffs will surely—and sadly—lead to long, painful and negative memories for all concerned, most importantly the youngsters who were there simply trying to compete and have fun.

Adults have long created chaos at youth sporting events. This is not new. But the standards of what we consider acceptable behaviour need to be seriously re-visited. Parent coaches are often (not always) an issue, as opposed to a solution. But where do we find enough qualified, trustworthy coaches without their own children involved willing to donate their time to teach youngsters?

Education is part of the answer. Developing specific programs that parents and all coaches are mandated to attend will help. Working harder to make people understand that their negative behaviour is intolerable and socially un-acceptable is part of it as well.

Hopefully, we won’t have to depend on 12 year olds being more mature than their parents and coaches to change attitudes, but if that’s what it takes, then that is part of the solution as well.

Are Youth Sports Coaches building confidence or creating big egos?

One of the biggest challenges facing coaches in youth sports today has to do with the generation of young people they are interacting with. “Me generation” parents have, in some cases, raised youngsters to feel positive about—and believe in— themselves. This is a good thing in many ways, indeed.

What can sometimes happen, unfortunately, is that without guidelines—and consequences for certain attitudes and behaviours—these young people sometimes believe they can do as they wish, and can, in a sense, “do no wrong”. They are not accountable and if anything goes wrong it’s someone else’s fault. In the world of youth sports, this perhaps makes coaching youngsters a tougher job than ever before.

One question to ask is whether or not coaches are coaching this way in response to pressure applied by the parents of the athletes they coach.

Building big egos or positive self-confidence?

With the above reality as a backdrop, whether young “athletes”—while playing for fun or at a more serious, ultra-competitive level—become better athletes, better people and develop strong character has a lot to do with the adults that are around and influence them. Parents, teachers and youth coaches in particular have a deep and lasting impact—an impact that can be positive or negative.

While developing a healthy ego is a good thing for everyone, when one’s ego development conflicts with or overrides the good of others, it’s not necessarily healthy. In youth sports terms, a coach can look to build true self-esteem without creating a selfish, arrogant or “I’m better than” attitude in the young people they work with.

Creating arrogant egos and missed teaching moments

• Too many youth coaches praise athletes when it isn’t really deserved. For example, a lazy player who didn’t work hard and spent the game blaming teammates, but who scored a goal in a hockey or soccer game, is rewarded for the goal, because it helped the team “win”. His/her behaviour is forgotten, only the goal and result is rewarded. This reinforces to the young athlete that the only thing that matters is scoring—not everything else that goes into building a successful team. Unfortunately if the coach is successful in trying to combat this mentality, all too often parents are the ones sending the inappropriate message.

• Allowing a player to exhibit negative behaviours on the field of play without dealing with those behaviours is unhealthy. This is particularly unacceptable if the coach’s reason for not dealing with the behaviour is that the player is more “talented” than others. If “talented” players are allowed to get away with actions that harm the team, everyone suffers—and that young person begins to believe they can behave as they wish, regardless of how this affects others.

• Not working with a player to improve their skills because they are bigger or faster than other players at a certain stage in their development (and they are already good enough to help you “win”) or conversely, ignoring a player because they are deemed “too small” is a disservice and isn’t helping those players. This kind of coach seems to care more about winning, and not about developing all their players to their fullest potential

Building real confidence

Some things to keep in mind:

• Encourage your players to work hard to become as good as they can be but strive to accomplish this in a positive, supportive environment.

• Identify things a player does well and comment on those things, not only on areas for improvement.

• Stress your appreciation for genuine effort rather than outcome.

• Allow your players to make mistakes. This is how they learn. Belittling a youngster publicly because they make an error doesn’t help their learning curve. If anything, for many young athletes it damages their ability to learn and function well the next time.

• Speak privately with players to discuss things they need to work on.

• Coach and parents should have realistic expectations and those expectations should be agreed upon before every new season starts.

• Emphasize the importance of training because good practice habits lead to skill development and positive outcomes—for all players.

• Always remember that young athletes remember positive—or negative—interactions with adults for a long, long time.

Youth sports should be about fun. Everyone says that, but many—coaches, parents, administrators—don’t act this way. There is no question too many athletes nowadays are catered to, allowed to act in ways that should not be accepted, because coaches want to win—when winning should be secondary to helping young boys and girls develop character while learning about the ups and downs of life through sports. Many youngsters (and parents) have a sense of entitlement, because they are constantly rewarded by outcome, rather than by behaviour, attitude and effort.

The coaches who focus on the latter, rather than sheer talent and outcome, are helping to build true character and real confidence, rather than just creating even bigger egos.

New Brunswick incident just the latest example of how we are over-invested parents

Just this past weekend, the Canadian province of New Brunswick, a beautiful part of the Maritimes, hosted a novice girls fastball championship event.

By all accounts it was a wonderful display of volunteerism, as well as youthful zest and talent.

Unfortunately, according to various media reports, it was marred by an incident involving parents. The allegations are that there were actual physical fights that took place, as a result of a play between two young players on opposing teams.

Tempers apparently flared after one player (evidently much bigger than another) appeared to run over another player while rounding a base.

To put things in perspective, the girls in this event were 13 and 14 years of age. I wasn’t there so of course do not have all the details. What seems clear is that there was a collision of sorts, and some parents felt it was “intentional”.

Words were spoken, things escalated, and a number of adults had to be led away from the park area. At the end of the situation, cooler heads finally prevailed, thankfully. But the young girls on both teams were, we are informed, quite distraught at the behaviour of parents.

It’s interesting and perhaps instructive that it wasn’t the young athletes who were in any way involved, other than the initial collision. If it were up to the kids, nothing further would have happened.

Instead, a number of parents, and one of the coaches, ended up being thrown out of the park after a nasty situation.

Thankfully, organizers were levelheaded enough to find a way to restore order, and both teams took a picture together at the end of the game.

We all love our children. Moreover, there’s no question that it can be difficult to control our emotions when we are watching our son or daughter in a competitive situation. We are all “invested” in our own kids and want to support them as best we can.

But surely we need to ask ourselves a simple question: If I act badly toward a coach or fellow parent, what example am I setting for my child? How will I look in their eyes if I find myself in a yelling match with other adults—or worse, a physical altercation?

Many of those youngsters in New Brunswick may never again play in such a prestigious event. For a lot of these young girls, the tournament will be a lifelong memory. The question becomes, what will they remember from what was supposed to be a special day?

Will they remember the competition, the special feeling of being part of a major event? Will they remember all the great plays, the wonderful moments— win or lose?

Or will their lasting memory be of a number of parents yelling, screaming, kicking, throwing punches, and eventually being escorted out of the park by police?

Whether the families went home by car, bus or plane, I’m guessing it was a long, and perhaps quiet—and sad— ride for many, even the “winners”.

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For those visiting the site for the first time, we have developed a series of original articles that we hope can be beneficial for you or your local sports team or Club.

One of those pieces (see our menu on the right) has to do with Soccer Sideline Etiquette for parents.  We have also included our article on Hockey Rink Etiquette for parents. The simple principles put forward in those articles can be a practical, helpful tool in any sporting situation where parents are “near the action”.

I encourage you to read the articles and spread the word!

Books, seminars and talks that can help youth coaches to communicate, motivate and inspire their players

We continue to receive request for our articles from across Canada, the United States and as far away as the U.K. and Australia. We appreciate the wonderful feedback we have received to our “Taking you Beyond the Game” blog site, and also our many original articles posted here.

We should also draw your attention to our books, specially written for youth coaches. In particular, our very popular “Guide to Better Communication for Minor/Youth Hockey Coaches” which has drawn rave reviews. We also have received tremendous response to “How Well do you Communicate? A Guide to Better Communication with Players and Parents for Youth Soccer Coaches”.

Both of these books provide many useful, practical tips that can make a big difference for individual coaches, and also for the many youth sports Clubs that rely on their coaches to provide instruction, support and motivation for thousands of youngsters.

Visit the information bar on the right hand  this site, to read more about the books and articles we have available.

If you have any questions you’d like to contact us about bringing in Michael as a guest speaker to help educate, motivate and inspire your coaches, contact us at michael@prospectcommunications.com or call (905) 825-8078.

Communication tips for the youth baseball coaches

There was a time, not that many years ago, when baseball was king when it came to kids playing summer sports.

It remains a popular pastime for today’s youth in both Canada and the United States, but for the game to recapture its roots will require more than marketing know-how to draw youngsters back to the diamonds and to become the next generation of “the boys of summer”, in the words of Roger Kahn’s wonderful book about the Brooklyn Dodgers of his 1950s youth.

It will take more and more youth baseball coaches who know how to communicate with youngsters in a way that engenders a love of the game—and not only for the most highly skilled, or the biggest and the fastest.

Communication: How a coach can make a difference

Youth baseball coaches are generally volunteers who give freely of their time, talent and energy. Many are “qualified”; others are simply moms or dads willing to help their local youth baseball Club.

Regardless of one’s level of knowledge or experience, most youth baseball coaches can—and need to—do an even better job of motivating, inspiring and encouraging young ballplayers.

Specific communication approaches that help

I was with someone recently who was recalling an incident in their young life back in the 1950s. They were playing baseball at what would nowadays be considered a very elite, competitive level. They missed a sign while they were up at bat, and the coach came running toward them from the third base coaching box, yelling, “Can’t you do anything right?”.

The young man finished the game, then left the team, hurt and discouraged. The man, now a “senior”  citizen, remembers that incident to this day.

Perhaps sadly, that kind of approach to coaching was commonplace in those days.

1. 
   
   The first thing a wise youth coach needs to realize is that they have a significant impact on the young boys and girls they interact with. Those youngsters will remember what they are told and how they are treated for a long time.
2. 
   
   Coaches must recognize that and let that knowledge shape their approach in a positive way. I’m not suggesting kids don’t need need discipline, guidelines and agreed-upon expectations but they also need support, positive instruction and step-by-step guidance.
3. 
   
   Too many coaches tell their players what they should do, but can’t or don’t show them how to do it. If a coach doesn’t know how to communicate and show what is needed, they should bring in someone with the expertise to demonstrate the skills required.
4. 
   
   If a coach is a yeller, make sure the players know that is just part of a personal coaching style, and that  it is in no way personal.
5. 
   
   Constantly look to build the confidence in players, not tear that confidence down. A relaxed, confident player will perform more freely and is more likely to achieve what they are capable of on the diamond.
6. 
   
   Seek to find out what motivates each youngster you coach. Every young person is different and needs to be dealt with in their own distinctive way. Discipline should be consistent throughout the entire “group”, yet with an eye for the sensitivities of individual youngsters.
7. 
   
   If a coach notices personal or team issues between players, don’t ignore the problem. Step in and deal with the issue fairly. Make every effort to bring the parties together through open discussion, tolerance and understanding. Coaches should try to put themselves in the shoes of their young athletes.
8. 
   
   Be a good listener. Too many youth coaches have a style they employ for dealing with kids but it often doesn’t include the recognition that good communication is a two-way street. Sometimes a coach can learn a great deal from their young players.
9. 
   
   If a coach stresses teamwork but then focuses too much on winning as opposed to sharing playing time, or becomes agitated by “mistakes”, it sends an inconsistent—and negative—message.

Young players often love the game of baseball. That’s part of why they play. How a coach interacts and communicates with those youngsters can engender an even greater appreciation for and love of the great game of baseball, or conversely, can actually kill the love the young players once had.

While it’s important to build a trusting, supportive relationship and to be able to identify and engage with young athletes, coaches should always act like “the adult” in their relationship with youngsters. If coaches themselves adopt immature attitudes, it puts an unfair onus on the young people to become the adults in the relationship.

Remember, what a youth coach says and how they say what they say, on a moment-to-moment basis, often determines the lasting impact that coach will have on the impressionable youngsters they are responsible for.