Kids need to learn “how to lose”, yes, but do we really teach them how? And do we know how to teach it?

One of the criticisms about the introduction of Long-Term Player Development (LTPD) in sports such as soccer here in Canada is that it “kills competition”.

The truth is, that is not what LTPD is about.  What LTPD does look to do is to move Clubs, coaches and parents away from an obsession with winning at the very young ages and instead, focus on ways to help each individual player develop their skills.  Youngsters who want to play purely for fun can do exactly that.  Those that aspire to a future in the sport will be able to focus on what’s really most important:  enhancing the skills they need to achieve their goals.

The above is ideally accomplished in an environment that allows kids to try things and make “mistakes” in games—without worrying that a wayward pass may cost their team a “victory” and a chance to be “promoted” to a better league next season.

Too often in sports like soccer, coaches look for (“poach” in many instances) and select for their teams the biggest, fastest, oldest (born early in the calendar year) players to build their team.  A couple of these players at U9, U10 and U11 can often create a “winning” team.  Actually developing the skills of all the players on the teams becomes an afterthought, and gets lost in translation.

What about the small player, or the late-bloomer?  Forget it.  He or she gets lost in the shuffle when winning is what really matters.

But back to the criticism of LTPD:  some opposing LTPD say that kids need to “learn how to lose” and that by taking away scores at the young ages, we are doing a disservice to youngsters who need to face these important life lessons.

Well, while we all have to learn how to handle life’s trials and hardships, it’s difficult to see why little kids at the ages of 8, 9 and 10, for example, need to deal with “losing” a game.  For anyone in sports, there is plenty of time to “learn” to deal with losing and with things not going our way.  There is still a lot of competition within the LTPD philosophy, but the focus is simply different.  If nothing else, if it helps to reduce the number of youth coaches (and parents) who scream at young players to just “get rid of the ball” or “kick it out, kick it out…” and yell from the sidelines about what the adults see as mistakes—and thereby creating undue anxiety in youngsters paralyzed by the fear of making a “mistake”—it would be a huge success.

The really sad point about critics who just can’t accept the de-emphasis on scores and standings at young ages, and who harp on the notion that “kids have to learn how to lose”, is that many of those same people clearly don’t do a very good job of actually teaching their own children how to lose.

We can say the words, “kids need to learn how to lose”, but do we really understand what we should be teaching them?  It’s way more than learning how to lose a game without temper tantrums, though that would be a start.  It’s learning how to win graciously.  It’s sportsmanship.  It’s attitude.  It’s working hard, truly doing your very best, then learning how to keep your “wins and losses” in youth sports in some kind of appropriate life perspective.

Too often we visit local soccer fields and we see parents screaming on the sidelines and coaches out of control.  We witness parents, coaches and even very young players yelling at referees, showing a total lack of respect for decisions that are made.  Some of these same parents and coaches themselves don’t know how to lose—and they are the people teaching the young athletes.

It’s easy to spot “star” players who get all puffed up when they score the winning goal, but blame others and whine when they lose, or who treat their less talented teammates as “less than”.  Is that what kids should be taught?  Who is actually helping them to learn how to be a better “winner”,  “loser”—and teammate?

Being a “winner”—as a coach, parent or player—surely is about much more than how many goals are scored in a game.  That’s part of the equation, but only part.  And so often, that message is not taught.  All the other (important) characteristics that make-up a “winner”—including being a great teammate, setting the right kind of examples, supporting teammates when they are down, respecting the opposition—are often simply ignored because our team scored at the end and we won the game.

There is much more to teaching our kids about life and coping with losing than we can share here today in this space.  But let me reiterate the point:  it’s fine to talk about the importance of kids learning how to lose.  But who is doing the teaching?  Are we simply leaving the kids on their own?  Are we adults—coaches, parents, teachers, sports leaders—setting any kind of example?  What values do we hold that we are passing along?  More importantly, what values do we actually live and model?

Are coaches getting the professional development (yes even grassroots coaches benefit from ongoing personal development) to learn how to better communicate and help kids with learning to lose—and win? Because if the individuals teaching these life lessons about “losing” are the same people who make youngsters want to quit sports by the age of 13 because their parents and coached killed the love the youngster had for their sport, then we have much bigger issues than whether LTPD discourages keeping scores at young ages.

Some media folks are missing the real value behind Long-Term Player Development

Reading a column in the Toronto Sun recently was eye-opening. It demonstrated that there remains a lot of resistance to the Long-Term Player Development (LTPD) initiative in the soccer world in Canada. 

It is understandable that if those commenting on LTPD only do a cursory overview of what this initiative is really about, they might come to the conclusion that “competition is being destroyed” and the sport is just trying to make kids “feel good” as we forget about keeping scores and winning or losing.

Of course, youngsters eventually need to learn about competition and winning and losing.  But is this necessary at the age of 9?  Or is it indeed more important to ensure that kids learn the game,  really develop their skills and are allowed to play in a relatively stress-free environment so they can actually enjoy the soccer experience and, yes, have fun while learning?

The truth is the new LTPD model is not about killing competition—not at all.  In fact, there will be plenty of competition, especially as the players go through the system.  The Ontario Soccer Association (OSA) will be launching (in 2014) a new league for elite players called the Ontario Player Development League.  But rather than a focus on promotion and relegation—which enables too many coaches to forget about developing their players and instead look to “poach” the biggest, oldest, fastest players from other Clubs that they can lure to their teams—coaches now will have to have high-level certification. They will need to understand how to run effective practices (not just “scrimmage” constantly) and how to teach, train and develop all of their players.  Instead of worrying about promotion and relegation, local Clubs can instead work toward ensuring they meet high standards in coaching and player development—and not just building up their “trophy case”.

Importantly, LTPD will work for those youngsters who simply want to have fun and stay in the game because they love it and also for those who aspire to a future in the game. Sometimes the same commentators who complain that Canada is “not good enough” at the international level also criticize LTPD, which, ironically, is in fact whole-heartedly supported by a host of top players and soccer coaches from some of the best soccer-playing countries in the world.  These supporters are not simply “academics” or, as the critics would like to suggest, “do-gooders”.  These are the sharpest minds in the sport, individuals who know the game  and who have simply come to realize that the way we have done things in Canada for too long is, simply, backwards.

Most of the top soccer countries in the world have been doing this for so long they don’t even have a name for it.  It's just the way they develop their players.  Check out the current literature in the United States.  The Americans, who have jumped far ahead of Canada on the soccer field in terms of “winning” when it actually matters, are big believers in LTPD.

Throw in the fact that some of Canada’s current and recent former stars, like Jason DeVos, Dwayne De Rosario, Kara Lang and Diana Matheson have all said publicly they wish this approach had been in place when they were young, and maybe we should listen to those who have been there and are still in the game now—and can see first hand what Canada lacks.

And what we lack is time on the ball.  Touches.   The ability to play calmly under pressure. 

You don’t learn to play under pressure when parents and coaches scream at 10 and 12 year olds for “making mistakes” in a game, when the only barometer for success is not if your players and your team played smart, technical soccer, but whether you managed to win a game.

You learn to handle pressure when you are allowed to to master the ball and can get comfortable with the ball at your feet when pressured on the field.  That can’t happen when parents and coaches are yelling at young players to “get rid of the ball” and “just kick it” down the field with no purpose.

Parents and coaches yell that kind of thing constantly because they don’t want to see their team lose.  Forget whether the youngster is learning anything.  Just get rid of the ball and we may not give up a goal and God forbid, lose this important game—at the age of 11, or whatever.

Kids have to learn to make “mistakes”—and be allowed to make mistakes.  They need to be allowed to be creative and take what they learned and tried out in practice on to the soccer pitch.

If we train our coaches better (and that’s a big element of LTPD), we will make soccer (and hopefully all youth sports who are also following this path) more enjoyable for all the kids out there, while also creating an even better “elite” player who can compete well at the international level.

And just maybe we will finally begin to give even more aspiring youngsters a shot at a future in the sport, whether that is playing at the collegiate level in Canada or the United States, playing professionally in North America or elsewhere, or playing for their country. For too long in Ontario, a “select few” were chosen at an early age for extra training and provincial or national teams, and many “late-bloomers” were ignored and missed.

Is winning and losing important?  Of course—but all in good time.

LTPD will provide lots of competition.  But in the short term, it may also help parents (and many coaches) begin to understand that winning games at the age of 8, 9 and 10 doesn’t really matter a whole lot.

So let's save the winning and losing and the valuable life lessons that "losing" hopefully teaches us (though you’d never know from watching some parents on the sidelines) for when wins and losses will really matter.  For  now, the really important "outcome" is making sure our kids enjoy- and get better.

Three simple questions that can make you a much better youth coach…

It’s always good to walk by a sports field or arena and see a youth coach working with youngsters who is passionate about and really committed to what they are doing.

When that passion turns negative, however, it’s a concern.

When we conduct seminars for youth coaches, we try to stress some simple but important notions.  One is this:  as a coach, you make a very big impression on the young people you interact with every day.  The other is:  youngsters will remember your words and actions for a very, very long time.  So you should always ask yourself, as a coach, “How do I want to be remembered in 20 years?”

It’s a pretty important question.  Because if you want to be remembered as someone who made a real and positive difference in the lives of the young people you worked with, if you want to have had an impact on their values, their desire to “succeed”, their ability to overcome challenges and the hurdles that they will inevitably encounter, then the opportunity is there for you.  You can be the kind of coach that teaches them every day—about sports and about life—and makes them feel better about themselves and their potential.

Or, you can stress the importance of winning over all else, play favorites, laud (and also exemplify) the wrong kind of “leadership” and perhaps even destroy confidence through negativity, poor behaviour and/or constant yelling and negative reinforcement.

There are shades and nuances of course.  Most coaches are not all one way or the other, when it comes to the traits I just described.  But in all cases, whatever impact you have and memory you create, you are writing the script every day—right now— for what your athletes will say, feel and think about you 20 years from now.

Sometimes as youth coaches there is so much focus on winning that you inevitably try to find the biggest, fastest and most skilled players to achieve that goal.  As a result, your real role as a youth coach is sometimes lost.

Every youngster learns differently.  Some need to hear the lesson.  Some need to see the lesson.  Most need to repeat the “skill” asked of them over and over to build the confidence that they can do it “right” in a game situation.

But of course, there is much more to coaching than developing the skills of your players, as important as that is.

For example, do you ever ask them why they love the sport they play?  If not, ask the question.

Do you ever ask your young players what really motivates them, personally, to want to come to the field of play in the first place?  If not, again, try asking them.

I can’t tell you how many coaches I’ve worked with over the years that neglect to ask these most elementary of questions.  Yet the answers can reveal so much.

By taking the time to speak one-on-one with the young people you are responsible for as a youth coach, and asking these simple questions, it will be a window into their world.  You may be able to connect even better with them, truly understand their feelings, aspirations and dreams-  and also help them be even better than they were before. 

It may also help to make you a much better coach.

Is “fun” a dirty word in youth sports?

We came across an worthwhile piece a few days ago on the subject of “fun” in youth sports.

Now, we all say that youth sports should be “about the kids”.  Who would argue with that premise?  No one would, at least not publicly.

And further, we make the claim that kids should be having fun—otherwise, why would they turn to activities like swimming, baseball, soccer and gymnastics for recreation?

If something really isn’t fun-because of the attitude of coaches or parents, or because youngsters simply feel “pressure”- chances are they will gravitate away from sports and seek other options (sometimes less healthy) as to how to spend their time.

So while we all will stand up and say “it’s about the kids”, and we have to make sure they are having “fun”, that’s not always what happens in the day-to-day world of youth sports.

Former Canadian National soccer team captain Jason De Vos takes it once step further in his piece on attitudes in youth sport.  (Here’s the link http://www.cbc.ca/sports/blogs/jasondevos/2011/09/fun-shouldnt-be-considered-foul-language-in-canadian-soccer.html  )

It’s a piece that should be reflected upon—and discussed.  We agree with De Vos’ conclusion:  you can, in fact,  develop young athletes well and properly (so some can in fact go on to play at the highest levels of their chosen sport) and still have fun, and enjoy the youth sports experience.

So much, though, is up to coaches—and all of us, as parents.

What youth sports can be….

On this site, we write about the values that we try to promote when we do our day-to-day advisory work with clients through our firm, Prospect Communications Inc.

It’s easy to use phrases like teamwork, real team-player, good communication and positive values but much harder to not only discuss but actually live the kind of values that make youth sports a great experience for the very people they are there for:  our kids.

We noticed an article in the National Post over the Labour Day weekend.  It is entitled, simply:  "What youth sports can do.  The true sports report".

One excerpt in particular caught our eye.  It reads as follows:

The vast majority of Canadians (nine out of 10) recognize that community sport can be an enormous force for good – and they want it to be. But they are also very concerned that sport is falling far short of its potential. They are worried about too much aggression, cheating and unfair behaviour. They are worried about win-at-any-cost attitudes and that too many young people are leaving sport for the wrong reasons. They are worried about the negative behaviour of a fraction of parents who make it difficult for everyone else and they are worried about the influence of commercial sport values on the values of community sport.

Here's the link to the full story in the National Post

Words alone can’t do it.  But if we act on some of the basic ideas presented in this article, then coaches, parents, as well as youth and amateur sports administrators—those who are truly the caregivers and the gate-keepers of youth sports—can continue to take the steps needed to keep sports fun and a wonderful experience for all of our kids.

We won't always get it right, but we can aim high.

Young athletes need to be aware of the risks of Twitter use

There are so many examples of the challenges of using “twitter” properly that it’s difficult to pick just a few.

But just recently, a well-known Canadian Football League player, Henry Burris of the Calgary Stampeders (who previously played for the Chicago Bears in the NFL), was alleged to have used some highly inappropriate language on his Twitter account.

Burris denied that it was him, the suggestion being that his account must have been “hacked” in some fashion.

As this story was unfolding, a Mississippi State NCAA football player was thrown off the team (and presumably saw his scholarship taken away) when he publicly blasted a coaches’ decision to redshirt him (which essentially meant he would sit out the upcoming college season and not play until next year) via his Twitter account.

Society has fought for freedom of expression, and that is a precious right.  And Twitter and related social media tools give everyone—whether in business, entertainment, politics or on a personal level—a wonderful opportunity to share views, opinions and express themselves in interesting and often creative ways about matters important and not so important.

But we all, especially young athletes in the public eye who may find this kind of freedom of expression platform awfully tempting, still need to understand the power of the words that we use and the impact—sometimes negative—they can have.

Unfortunately, those words will sometime boomerang back against us, and cause unnecessary harm.

In a world where communication has become almost too easy at times, when it comes to social media especially, it’s wise to think twice, and maybe three times, before we “hit” the send button…

Youth coaches: What a two-day ‘TRY-OUT” may not reveal

Too many times so-called “rep”’ or all-star teams are essentially pre-picked—decided upon by the coaches (or in some cases by a coach’s son or daughter) well before a new season even begins.

Almost as unfair and disappointing is the perfunctory “try-out”, a supposed opportunity for new or previously un-seen or unknown talent to find out if they can earn a spot on a particular hockey, baseball or soccer team, for example.

Either way, these competitive teams can be a “closed shop”, essentially a little “club” or clique that doesn’t make room for newcomers, or may even make them feel un-welcome.

If you are the coach, beyond the obvious lack of fair competition that the above approach suggests, there is something else you should be aware of:  by closing your mind to new players, you may well be missing something.

Oh sure, there may be situations where a young player may legitimately be in over his or her head, where their desire to make a really good select squad may not match up with their ability—at least at the current time.  And so they aren’t ready to play at that elite level.  Fair enough.   

               

But how often I’ve seen these one or two-day tryouts turn young people away who could well have brought something important to the table. And, as coach, we decided after one of two of these “practices” or “try-outs” that they can’t cut it.

It is always frustrating to witness this.  Some good young athletes are “cut” and more importantly, some good young people are sent home too soon, without really having been given a good, long and thoughtful look.

BEFORE your next tryout, try to keep some things in mind as you begin to assess new players:

1. Have you really given them time to show what they can do?
2. Have you actually spoken with them, to see how passionate they are or why they love the game?
3. Have you put that new player in a position to succeed, or have you almost guaranteed they won’t stand out?
4. After one or two sessions, what, if anything, do you know about their heart, their desire?
5. Do you have any idea what kind of teammate they are and would be?
6. Have you spoken with any of their previous coaches, to see what you might be missing?
7. Have you considered what attributes they might bring to your squad?
8. Are you “protecting” players you already have even though they may not have the right attitude?
9. Are you really being objective, or are you being swayed by the need to do “favours” for friends?
10. Have you already promised positions to certain players?

There are many other questions that could be posed, but the idea is straightforward:  “open” tryouts, if they are promoted as such, should indeed be open.

And that includes those making the selections—they need to be truly “open-minded”…

Teaching the values of sportsmanship to young people is still important

Most parents get their children involved in youth sports for a variety of reasons – perhaps because of the health benefits of being active, learning to socialize well, or learning to play as a member of a team.

But maybe as important is the opportunity to help their child learn to become a “good sport”.

Being a good sport does not mean that a young athlete doesn't try to win. There will always be so-called “winners” and “losers” whenever keeping score. It’s natural to want to win.

Sportsmanship, though, has to do with how one competes on the field of play, and how a young athlete—any athlete—handles winning and losing and the ups and downs of being involved in sport.

Youth sports can be highly competitive—some would argue far too competitive and not always healthy. Unfortunately, adults are often times the ones who behave as “poor sports” and as their children become accustomed to the sports world around them they may well take on those negative traits as well.

The “good sports” are those who compete hard, support their own teammates in good times and bad on the field and off, and show respect for the opposition. While the aim is generally is to “beat" the other person or the other team, the objective should not be to embarrass, harass or diminish.

 Good Role Models Lead the Way

Parents are—or should be—the most important role model for youngsters in terms of day-to-day behaviour, and that can include on the field of play.

Youth coaches may not realize it, but their influence on those they coach is significant. A coach who yells at and berates players, screams at game officials and loses his or her cool when things don’t go their way sets a poor example for their impressionable young  players.

On the other hand, coaches who demonstrate patience and don’t have an attitude of “blame” set a positive example for their young charges.

Professional athletes are part of the picture as well. For better or worse, youngsters still tend to look up to and emulate the behaviour that they see and read about.

Many modern-day, high-profile professional athletes have insisted that they aren’t—and do not wish to be—role models. On the one hand this is simply an acknowledgement that they should not be put up on a pedestal by young people, because those athletes are only human and prone to fail and disappoint those who look up to them.

At the same time, while professional athletes can’t (and shouldn’t) replace good parents as positive influences, some athletes can be a positive role model. In those instances, good role models typically are excellent teammates who genuinely support other players, have a positive attitude toward the media and the fans, are involved in their community, and are respected on the field of play because of their commitment to excellence and fair play.

How to Set the Example of Good Sportsmanship

Indeed, parents, youth coaches and professional athletes each has a role to play in setting an example of good sportsmanship for young people.

Parents should be vigilant in how they speak and act in front of their youngsters.  Constant negative talk about their child’s teammates, coaches, the opposition or game officials can affect how their youngsters see the world and create in those young people some very harsh and negative attitudes towards others.

Youth coaches should regularly look in the mirror and self-reflect to ensure their behaviour is consistent with the positive values they are trying to instil. They should respect opponents both publicly and in private. They should teach skills, demonstrate patience and be consistent in how they administer discipline. They can be tough when it’s time to be tough, but should always be approachable and available when their players need to speak with them.

Professional athletes, if they care about being a constructive influence, should ask themselves how they want to be remembered by the youngsters who watch them play. Do they want to be remembered as a self-absorbed “prima donna” or as a well-rounded, thoughtful person with class?

Being a “good sport” can be awfully difficult for adults, let alone youngsters.  But that shouldn’t stop us from at least trying to set a good example.

Youth coaches: Be someone your players can trust

I heard an interesting conversation while listening to the radio recently.  The topic was youth sports and how difficult it is when a young person has to hear that they didn't make a particular “rep” or select team.

The guest was Dr. Paul Dennis, a psychologist and professor at the University of Toronto and also at York University.  I got to know Paul a bit when he was the long-time development coach with the Toronto Maple Leafs and he would on occasion invite me to give talks to young Maple Leaf prospects on topics such as understanding the media and the life skills that are part of becoming a professional.

Paul was asked about how it can be a crushing thing for the youngster to hear—and to deal with—hearing that they didn’t make a team.  He mentioned that it can also be very difficult for the parents, who of course support the aspirations of the youngster they love.

The conversation turned to how sometimes, a youth coach will tell a player they’ve made a team, but then turn around a day or so later (after perhaps seeing some new players show up for the tryout) that they didn’t make the team after all.

Paul then raised the very important issue of “trust”.  As in, how can you trust an adult when they promise you, or tell you, one thing, and then deliver something else?

It made me think and reflect on  the huge responsibility we all have as parents. When our youngsters look up at us, they want—and need—to believe us and believe in us. We sense that and do all we can to deliver not only “truth” but stand by our word to them.

When we are a youth sports coach, and those young people look up at us, they are truly looking up to us.  If they can’t trust us, can’t know for sure that our words matter, that our behaviour can be trusted, what will they feel about the world around them?  What do they learn about adults, about trust?

That’s perhaps something coaches should keep in mind, they next time they yell at a hard-working youngster for making a mistake, or think it doesn’t matter if they don’t follow up on the things they say they are going to do.

Youngsters need to see adults be fair to everyone, treat all young players with respect and dignity, regardless of playing ability.  Discipline has to apply to all.  Support for and credit to all, as well.  No playing favorites.

Character—including yours as an adult and a coach—should matter more than “winning”.  Words and behavior matter. Standing by your word matters.

 Kids will remember—for a long, long time.

And yes, trust matters—a lot.

Ex NHL’er teaches his players that being smart is better than being macho

Concussions have become, quite rightly, a cause for concern and a major issue in sports, most notablythough certainly not exclusively in the world of football and, of course, hockey.

The concern exists not only at the professional level, but all the way through to youth sports.

The modern-day speed of games like hockey and football, the hard, massive equipment worn and the size of the players all create a potent cocktail that has seen the number of reported concussions seemingly skyrocket in the past few years.

However, what is too often lost in this debate is that much of the “problem” seems to stem from long-held, traditional attitudes about what it takes and what it means to be a “tough” athlete.

One former NHL player, Mike Van Ryn, is now the coach of young hockey players at the junior (under 20) level. Mike’s career ended abruptly when he suffered a serious injury. A defenseman, he was hurt going back to get the puck near the end boards in his own zone, when he was hammered by an opposing player.

The idea that you have to get to the puck first is part of the old hockey code, it seems. You have to be willing, players are told, to be tough and “take the hit”.

But Van Ryn is evidently telling his players that being smart can be the more prudent thing.

A March 22, 2011 story by Alan Maki in the Globe & Mail sports section well outlines Van Ryn’s teaching approach.

If the link doesn’t work, the story in brief is this: Van Ryn now looks back and wonders if he should have played a bit differently. Not necessarily more cautiously, perhaps, but smarter. Don’t feel, as a defenseman, that you always have to take the big hit behind your net to get to the puck first.

In fact, after a recent Ontario Hockey League game, when one of his defenseman, who is only 16 weights less than 170 pounds was being chased down by an older player who weighs 230 pounds, the younger player got out of the way.

He went back to the bench and apologized, no doubt feeling he had not played it tough enough and that he had let his teammates down, or that his coaches would be upset.

But as the Globe story reports, Van Ryn told the young man he did the right thing, while harkening back to the play that ended his own pro career when he was hit by fellow NHL’er Tom Kostopolous…

“I said to him, ‘You’re in a vulnerable position, try to protect yourself,’” Van Ryn recalled. “If I didn’t make a play on that puck, maybe I don’t get hurt. Maybe Tom Kostopoulos doesn’t get suspended.”

There is much talk, and rightly so again, about how to deal more effectively with concussions after the fact. The best thing we can do is to take steps to try to help prevent them as best we can in sports where there obviously is going to be tough, physical contact.

And changing the old ‘macho’ mentality, those attitudes that many of us still cling to, may be the hardest, but most important step of all. This is particularly important when this “attitude” seeps into the youth sports world.

This is something I’ve been advocating for some time (see older posts on this issue here "Time to Take a step back" and here , my column on headshots in hockey ), but it’s not a popular perspective, it seems. Yet many are coming to a similar conclusion-as we see in this link at the Toronto Star and at CBC Sports.

Hockey and football are great games. Sports can be a tremendous outlet and life experience for many, even a career for a few.

And fans love their athletes to be skilled, hard-working and yes, aggressive. But you can compete and still have respect for your opponent. And that can include being aware the he/she has the right to compete in an environment where they aren’t in danger of sustaining injuries that are, in fact, preventable, or injuries that result from dangerous, reckless or intentionally violent acts.

The "Parent satisfaction checklist" regarding your child's youth coach

Surely thoughtful parents—and youth coaches—realize that there are far more important things than seeing your son or daughter’s team “win”.

Of course it’s fun to win. And, for better or worse, in youth leagues where we keep score, everyone knows who walks away from the field with the “w”.

However, in terms of what is actually important regarding a young athlete’s development and psyche, what are some of the things we should assess to determine if a youth coach is making progress with our son or daughter at those important early ages?

Here is a short checklist which might help keep things in perspective:

 Is the young player able to perform more of the essential skills than they were at the start of the season?

 When you watch your child’s team practice, is there a lot of standing around, or are all the kids active and engaged most of the time?

 Is actual instruction taking place?

 Has the coach taken the time to find out what your child really loves about the sport he/she is playing?

 Did your child’s coach meet with the team before the season started to establish joint expectations, to ensure there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings later on?

 Does your child leave practices happy? In other words, do they look forward to going to practice, and come home tired—in a good way?

 When you discuss the sport they are engaged in, is it a joyful thing for your child to talk about?

 Can you child’s coach actually demonstrate the skills they are discussing and/or trying to teach?

 Is the coach a good role-model for your son or daughter in terms of their language, behavior, attitude and the way they speak and interact with their young players, as well as game officials?

 Is the coach more concerned with winning or in developing the skills of each of his/her players?

 Is your child’s coach an effective communicator—with players and parents?

 Does the coach know how to motivate young athletes in a good way?

 Does your child’s coach make the experience fun?

Young people are involved in sports for a host of reasons. Perhaps their parents simply want them to be—or stay—active. They may love a particular sport and are “good” at it. They may just love to compete. They may even think that they want a future in the sport, for as long as they are able to play.

The one thing we don’t want to do as parents—or coaches—is to destroy the natural love the young person has for the game.

If you see you are having that affect as a parent, because of your constant criticism or attitude…STOP. Right now!

If your child’s coach helps make your son or daughter love the game even more, then that’s a huge positive.

If the coach, though, is chipping away or your child’s confidence or you see that your son or daughter no longer loves playing because of the coach, it is likely time to find a new coach.

That said, communicate first with the coach about the needs of your child. Open communication can break down barriers. A coach may be a good coach in many ways, but may not see the impact (if negative) that they are having on particular players.

Importantly, you need to understand what the coach is trying to achieve. They may be a "tough" coach, for example, but a very good and effective one.

But if they are not responsive or open to dialogue, you may have to find another situation for your child.

Awareness of risks can only help in youth sports

Youth sports are always a lightning rod for debate. The role and attitude of parents is analyzed, and properly so. The focus on “winning” versus fun and player development is the subject of much discussion. The balance between an emphasis on sports and education is always important when discussing priorities with your own children who play sports.

And there is, again quite correctly, a current concern about concussions in youth sports.

While we should not be instilling fear in our children, helping them understand and be aware on the field of play has to be a good thing. I read with interest a recent article in The Globe & Mail (see http://www.theglobeandmail.com/sports/hockey/crosbys-concussion-felt-at-youth-hockey-level/article1922939/ ) about how the Sydney Crosby concussion story is affecting youngsters and their families.

The article references the concussion suffered some weeks ago by the young Pittsburgh Penguins superstar and how young players have been impacted by that event. Concussions (and “head shots”) have been at the forefront of hockey discussions in recent years, along with hitting from behind. But that a star player—one that youngsters look up to—has been affected has generated even more awareness.

That’s a good thing.

I’ve posted here before that while we don’t want to completely overhaul a sport (hockey, in this instance) that many people love—and have, for generations—the game has evolved and can indeed be dangerous. This is especially so at the high speeds the game is played at now at the professional level, with the battle armor equipment that is worn, ostensibly for “protection”.

But the real challenge will be if we can slowly change attitudes that encourage “toughness” and aggression from very early ages. It breeds a mentality that may be useful at the professional level—where some athletes earn millions of dollars annually—but is largely out of place for the more than 99% of the young population that will not have a long-term future or a career in sport.

This attitude shift won’t be easy, and it won’t happen overnight. Perhaps the Crosby injury, as unfortunate as it is, will herald a willingness at least to modify our thinking, if only a bit.

A testimonial about our articles on Taking You Beyond the Game

We very much appreciate the e-mail comment we received recently from Germany. Those responsible for youth sports activities at a U.S. Army installation in Germany came across our articles and asked for permission to re-print some of them in their newsletter. We are pleased to see our articles utilized in this way.

“Thank you for the fantastic work and education you are doing worldwide for youth sports.”

B. Starr Price
Landstuhl Youth Sports,
U.S. Military Installation,
Germany

Thanks to Starr, and to all those who have contacted us expressing appreciation for the articles we have developed over the years. We hope you will continue to visit our site.

Body checking in youth hockey: No right answers?

I must acknowledge that I have been a passionate hockey fan all my life. I love the skill on skates, the vision that good players demonstrate, their ability to think ahead, the artistry and yes, the power that players can exhibit in making moves while making a play or a good, clean hit.

However, like many others, I’ve grown increasingly concerned about the state of the game, including at the youth levels.

The issue of “body checking” at the youth levels has been hotly debated now for many years across Canada. Some believe allowing it at the so-called ‘rep levels’ (very competitive) is a good idea, because it gets players to learn how to “take a check”, and makes it safer for them in the long run.

Others suggest that it takes some of the the skill out of the game (because small players may be fearful), causes unnecessary injuries and actually pushes a lot of talented kids into other sports.

It’s a difficult issue.

When I was a kid fifty years ago “hitting” was barely part of the discussion. I learned to play the game on frozen ponds in the dead (cold) of winter in the small town where I lived. The game was fun and it was largely about skating, competing with friends and staying out on the ice until your feet were so frozen you couldn’t bear it any longer.

Things have changed dramatically, of course, and in many ways for the better, I suppose. Organized competitive hockey has pretty much ended that bygone era. That organized aspect brings many good things for kids and families, but it, not surprisingly, has eventually led to a host of other issues.

I read recently where a young Canadian player was injured in an NCAA college game. A big hit that he took caused a broken neck, and it took some time for the young man’s injuries to stabilize in the hospital afterwards. It was a very sad event, and horribly frightening for any hockey parent to contemplate.

I didn’t see the play so I can’t comment on whether it was a “dirty” hit or not. (The offending player was given a major and a misconduct penalty.) But the point, for me, is that we have reached a stage in hockey, even at the pro levels, where hitting has become too pervasive a part of the game. The NHL, all the way down to youth hockey, is trying, they say, to crack down on “head shots”, for example. This follows a similar focus on “hits from behind”.

But the culture of the sport is a concern. The macho sense that a player must be “tough”—and I acknowledge I like a good clean hit at the pro level— seems to be permeating the sport to a worrisome degree.

This is not entirely new, of course. The actions of the “Broad Street Bullies” (the Philadelphia Flyers in the 1970s), set the game back for years. Young players copied their brawling, fighting style.

But in this day and age it’s about not just fighting, but hitting.

That pressure to “hit hard”, from management, coaches and fans alike, combined with the ever-increasing speed in the game, conspires to make a bad cocktail. Throw in the hard, large equipment that players wear and is it any wonder we have concerns about serious injuries— including life-altering concussions—right across the board in the sport of hockey?

The only way this really gets solved is if certain aspects of the sport are somehow de-emphasized, and that would take a major shift in attitude.

And I don’t think that is forthcoming.

Youth coaches setting poor examples for young athletes never seems to stop

Not many days go by without some kind of incident in youth sports that reminds us that, all too often, adults are not modeling strong and positive behaviour for our young people.

A recent case in point: In a youth football league for 12 year-olds in Texas, a recent game saw coaches involved in not only a dispute with one another, but a rather disturbing brawl which was captured on film.

In an ensuing TV news report, a young player from one of the teams suggested that he had been grabbed and thrown by an opposing coach, which allegedly led to a fight between coaches from both teams.

Since that time, the league in question has suspended a number of coaches, but not any players, as their behaviour was not an issue. However, both teams were initially barred from participating in the upcoming playoffs, though that decision may be rescinded.

Regardless of whether it is fair to punish youngsters for the poor behaviour of their parents or coaches (and some will argue that the kids must suffer if only to discourage adults from behaving badly in future), the events tell a sad tale. Why would any adult coach in any way touch or physically handle a young person? Whether the young player is on their team or the opposing side, surely aggressive physical contact is never acceptable.

We all understand that youth sports is emotional and often a highly-charged atmosphere. It doesn’t take much to get some people going. If a coach did engage with an opposing young player in this way, it’s not surprising there was a negative reaction from the other bench. That said, for the game to degenerate into fisticuffs will surely—and sadly—lead to long, painful and negative memories for all concerned, most importantly the youngsters who were there simply trying to compete and have fun.

Adults have long created chaos at youth sporting events. This is not new. But the standards of what we consider acceptable behaviour need to be seriously re-visited. Parent coaches are often (not always) an issue, as opposed to a solution. But where do we find enough qualified, trustworthy coaches without their own children involved willing to donate their time to teach youngsters?

Education is part of the answer. Developing specific programs that parents and all coaches are mandated to attend will help. Working harder to make people understand that their negative behaviour is intolerable and socially un-acceptable is part of it as well.

Hopefully, we won’t have to depend on 12 year olds being more mature than their parents and coaches to change attitudes, but if that’s what it takes, then that is part of the solution as well.

Doing the right things when interacting with your players:The “Checklist” for Youth Sports Coaches

Youth sports coaches have a difficult job. They are the key decision-makers. They set examples. Players look to them for leadership. Club administrators – and parents -- look to them to make good choices.

As adults we often speak to our young people about making choices— preferably intelligent, positive choices.

That said, coaches make choices, too. They can choose to be the kind of coach that cares only about “winning”, or a coach that has a deeper—and longer-lasting—impact on the young people they coach and the families whose lives they touch.

Here are some tips to help make the coaching experience better for you—and the young people you interact with:

1) Build confidence in your players

Too often young athletes have their confidence shattered by their coach. Ask anyone in sports, including top professional athletes: when you lose your confidence, performance suffers and it becomes a vicious cycle. As a coach, regardless of whether you are soft-spoken, a yeller or somewhere in between, you must show confidence in your athletes – and constantly build their self-confidence. Wouldn’t you rather be the one coach the player looks back on and says – “That person really believed in me and made a difference in my life…” than the coach who is a negative caricature in the minds of your former players?

2) Identify the real team players on your squad

Coaches so often want to build a team with stars that they neglect to identify the young athletes who will be the glue that keeps a team together, and keeps them successful. There are obviously many attributes of a “team player”, but for starters, look for young people who are good teammates, who support other players, who are unselfish, and treat other players and people with respect. A really good coach would rather ‘lose’ with a bunch of fine young people than ‘win’ with a group of talented prima donnas who care only about themselves and not the team.

3) Communicate regularly -- and honestly

Young players need regular feedback. You should never go weeks or months without providing constructive feedback on their performance. If they are not meeting your expectations, either in terms of performance or attitude, speak with them—privately. That said, the first thing you should do is set mutually understood expectations at the beginning of each season. Meet with the player alone to do this (and with their parents, when age appropriate), away from everyone else.

4) Explain clearly what you want and then demonstrate what you want

I often see coaches demand, yell, threaten. Most coaches are not Tony Dungee (coach of the NFL Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts) who rarely, if ever, speaks above his “normal” voice. Parents and players expect --and accept-- some loudness from a coach. A little loudness may even help sometimes! But be sure to explain clearly what you want to see, then show what you want. Young soccer players need to see what you’re talking about, so if you can’t show/demonstrate what you want, bring in a guest instructor who can.

5) Recognize that every young person/athlete is motivated differently

Not every athlete— or person — responds to the same stimuli. Some athletes are self-driven, some may need a shove in the behind, others need encouragement. Whatever, the key is to find out what is behind every player’s mental door. Speak to the player. Get to know them. Find out what motivates them. Find out what they really love about the sport they play — this will give you a look behind the door. Again if age appropriate, speak with their parents. They may have insight that will help you inspire your young player.

6) Recognize that you have a potentially huge affect on the young people you coach

Parents clearly have a seminal influence on the lives of their children. Particular teachers can have a major impact. But there’s no question youth coaches have a huge affect on many of the young players on their team. What you say, how you say it, how you act and how you treat people does matter -- a lot. Ask yourself: How will I want to be remembered by this group of players, by each individual player, in 20 years?

Be the kind of coach that will make people remember you fondly, as a positive inspiration in their life, as someone who made a real difference, whether they go on in the sporting field or not. Your players will remember you for a long, long time. What do you want their memory of you to be?

7) Don’t hide your head in the sand. Make yourself aware of personality conflicts on your team, and work to resolve them

Many youth coaches don’t want to know if there are conflicts on their young team. Worse, if they do know there are issues, they don’t know how to deal with the situation effectively. Just like adults, we can’t expect young people, particularly young people competing against one another for playing time and recognition, etc. to always like each other, or to get along. But you can make it a point to hear, watch and see what’s going on. And you, as the team leader, can engender a sense of camaraderie, togetherness, and foster the notion of respect for each other on and off the field of play. Insist on it.

8) Keep your players’ egos in check

Some coaches may not think that this is an issue in youth sports, but in this day and age, it is. Young people see “the pros” showboating, trash-talking and generally acting in a manner that most parents would not approve of. Even the great soccer-star Zidane, in some people’s minds, may well have set a poor example in this regard in the final of the 2006 World Cup. (Zidane at least was, in his own mind, defending his family’s honour when he was involved in the controversial ‘head-butting’ incident, after an opposing player evidently made several classless on-field remarks.)

While we all want our kids to have healthy self-esteem and a good sense of self-worth, too much “attitude” can lead to an over-developed sense of self-importance. As coach, you have the opportunity—and the responsibility—to see that your players don’t fall into this pattern. If you don’t deal with it, you will generally see a negative impact on the players, your team, and your efforts to build a tight-knit group.

9) Listen to your players. Don’t assume you have all the answers

We adults often think we have the answers, because we have “life experience”. This life experience can lead to wisdom. It can also lead to rigid thinking that hasn’t changed in decades. This certainly applies to coaching. Coaches who say, “this is the way it was in my day”, or think because they played the game at a high level that they know everything there is to know, may be doing their players a disservice. The way things were done in “your day” may not have been the best way. Much like parenting, why would we want to repeat the mistakes made by our own parents? I work professionally with many young athletes and I often hear of their frustration with coaches who just won’t listen, won’t take input from those who are actually on the field, playing the game NOW. Hearing is a sense. Listening is a skill. Develop that skill— especially when it comes to relating to your players.

One other thing on this subject: As I mentioned earlier, take the time to find out what each player really loves about a particular sport. Sometimes a coach will be with a young person for an entire season and will never bother to find out that the player loves a certain aspect of the sport. Find out. Then build on that to help them become an even better all-around player.

10) Model real leadership. Don’t talk “we” and act “me”. If you talk about leadership but don’t live it, your players will tune you out.

Leadership is easy to talk – and write about— and much harder to show. But as a youth sports coach, you have a wonderful opportunity to model positive leadership. How you speak with your players, the way you instruct, how you handle situations when players make mistakes and how you communicate with players on a daily basis are all vitally important examples of your leadership style. You are showing by your own actual behavioral example what you believe is the “right” way for an adult in a position of authority to handle themselves. You should always have handy a mental checklist, a self-monitoring system that makes you ask yourself, “will I feel badly tomorrow about what I am about to say or do right now?”

We all make mistakes, and if you make one, be strong enough to acknowledge that you let a player down and then apologize to them. The willingness to do that will set a tremendous example as well.

11) Be consistent in your discipline and expectations, regardless of whether it’s your “stars” or those who play less often.

Young people generally recognize pretty quickly when a coach says one thing, then does something different. While you should aim to get to know all of your players as individuals, and know what motivates them and react accordingly, you should establish firm team expectations – and stick with them. Suppose “star” players miss practice regularly, or don’t work hard in drills, or put down their teammates (or act out in games against opponents or referees). Do you ignore this behavior because you “need” that player to “win”? The players should know what your rules, guidelines and expectations are, and realize there will be consequences— regardless of who breaks the rules.

12) The Golden Rule: Monitor how your players treat one another

For some coaches, this notion is somehow totally unimportant. It should be important to you. If you have certain players putting down others on a young team, it’s toxic and spreads. Don’t be lulled into thinking it doesn’t matter. It does. The world is still full of “Eddie Haskell” (a famous teenage character from the classic ‘Leave It To Beaver’ television program) types— kids who are nice to the coach or certain adults, but are jerks to teammates or others they don’t like.

If you see inappropriate behavior of any kind, deal with it firmly. The old adage “boys will be boys” doesn’t cut it—in male or female youth sports. Talk to the instigator/s privately and make it clear you will not tolerate that behavior on your team, full stop.

13) Be respectful of parents

Youth coaches (sometimes understandably) tend to look at parents as necessary evils. We parents can be a pain, no question. Coaches don’t want to “deal” with parents, and delegate an assistant coach or team manager to handle all interpersonal situations. You may be saying to yourself, “Hey, I’m a volunteer, I already give up lots of my time…” which is a fair point if you don’t have a son or daughter on your team. But parents do deserve to know how their son or daughter is doing, why they are playing a lot or a little, and if there are things they could be doing to make the overall soccer experience for their child a better one. Ideally, set aside a night every few weeks to have telephone appointments to discuss progress, privately, calmly and away from the field.

14) Always be open to new players, but be loyal to dedicated returning players

Just because a player made an “all-star” or “rep” team at the age of 10 shouldn’t give them an automatic renewal license for all long as they want to stay on a team. This can lead to a sense of entitlement that is not healthy. A young athlete should have to constantly enhance their skills, work diligently, attend practices, volunteer time, and maintain a positive attitude. If you have a real team player on your hands, keep them. If a new player comes by who may have a little more talent—be open but also keep your eyes open. Too often coaches are willing to sacrifice a solid but unspectacular player for an incoming “star”, but remember—the star may bring some baggage, so do your homework.

15) Ask yourself: Are you being the adult in the relationship with your player/players?

In my advisory work with young athletes, I regularly see situations (albeit from the perspective of the young athlete) where it strikes me that the player has to assume the role of the adult in the coach-player relationship. The coach doesn’t have a true open door policy, may be a ‘talker’ but not an effective communicator, may be a de-motivator, etc. When issues arise, there is silence, not an effort to resolve things and so feelings fester and simmer. This forces the young person to plan a strategy to deal effectively with the situation. I often will recommend that the young person initiate a private tete-a-tete, since the coach seems uninterested or unwilling to address an obvious problem. The meeting doesn’t always solve the issue, but at least there is an attempt at open communication.

As the coach, you be the adult. You are the adult, so accept the responsibility. Set a high standard in terms of your performance and behavior expectations of the young athletes (but understand they are young and will make mistakes), and in return do the same to and for yourself.

16) Recognize that every player on your team must not only feel they are an important part of your team/success, they must know it. That comes from you.

I quite often will hear a professional coach say things such as, “As a coach, I try to make everyone on the team feel important”. Well, that’s all very nice. All your players should feel important. But your job is not to make them feel important, it is to make them know and fully understand that they really are important. In any team sport, not even the greatest players of their generation— Bobby Orr, Wayne Gretzky, Jim Brown, Michael Jordan. Pele —could win a game, much less a championship, on their own. Every player on their squad likely contributed something significant at some point that changed the outcome of a particular game or season. Your players, especially the ones who perhaps play less than the others, need to know clearly they are an invaluable part of any success your team has. And you need to make this understood to all your players, especially those who think they are the straw that stirs the drink.

17) Are there consequences to your expectations or are they just idle threats?

In short, we don’t need to be a psychologist to understand that if your leadership, rules and expectations are to have any impact, you must be consistent not only in outlining but also in acting upon your expectations. It is imperative that you demonstrate that there are clear consequences. Anything short of real consequences and these smart young people will call your bluff and tune you out—to your face, or behind your back.

18) If you cannot provide certain expertise find it for your team.

In this day and age, coaches should be humble enough to recognize they don’t know everything. Fitness and nutrition are important, so if this is not an area you have knowledge about, bring in people who do to share information with your athletes. As a coach, if you have no legitimate expertise as a keeper/goalie coach, for example, in sports such as soccer or hockey, seek out someone who can provide it. Misinformation or poor instruction are probably worse in these instances than no information or instruction at all. Many a young goalie has been harmed mentally and emotionally by a coach who simply does not know what they are talking about.

_______________________________

Michael Langlois, founder of Prospect Communications Inc., is a frequent guest speaker to youth sports organizations. He is the father of four sons and has been involved in youth sports for well over 20 years. He is a recognized expert in the field of communications and issues management. Michael also acts as a private advisor to a wide range of clients in the sports field, including various Associations, elite athletes and National Hockey League coaches. He has written articles and books on youth sports for many years, including, “How Well Do You Communicate? A Guide to Better Communication with Players and Parents for Youth Soccer Coaches”. Prospect’s web site is located at http://www.prospectcommunications.com/

When a Dad goes too far

Within the last couple of years, maybe a year or so ago, I'm not exactly certain, I came across a story out of the United States, which indicated that a “football dad” in the Boston area actually slugged his son’s coach.

As the story goes, the coach of the 12 year-old youth team apparently had disciplined the boy, who had arrived a few minutes ‘late’ for practice.

Given what occurred afterwards, it’s hard to imagine this was anything other than a situation that had been brewing for some time. Surely no father, no matter how over-invested they might be, would react to an isolated situation where their son may have had to do laps, or whatever the ‘punishment’ might have been for being late to practice. There seemingly had to be something more to this situation.

While youth coaches often try to instill a kind of overall team discipline, the focus in this instance may have been misdirected.

Clearly, like most youth involved in sports, a 12 year-old relies on busy parents to get to practices at all, much less, “on time”.

Perhaps there were fully discussed “rules” in place that all families had agreed upon. Maybe not. I don’t know the details.

Setting aside this particular circumstance, and speaking in general terms, there are steps a youth coach can take to at least try to prevent disappointment, misunderstanding, bitterness—or worse, on the part of families involved in his or her Club program

For example, the youth coach should host meetings with parents as a group at the beginning of a season, and then individually with parents and their son/daughter.

The objective is to establish the coach’s priorities, as well as those of that particular ‘team’ and the Club in general, so all parties understand and are on the same page. From there, he/she works toward, if it is possible, agreement on mutual expectations when it comes to discipline, attitude, punctuality and all the other things that make up being part of a youth team, whether house-league or “all-star”.

If the family can’t abide by the coach’s program, then it is likely the wrong program for that child and family. There is then time to look for options elsewhere.

But again, it’s important to establish priorities and expectations early on, so everyone is understands specific expectations and individual family limitations and hostile feelings don’t build and build.

There is no way to defend punching a youth coach, even if the coach was off-base in handling a particular situation – whether it was about playing time, foul language, unfair disciplinary methods, whatever.

It’s difficult enough to find good role models to work with other people’s children.

Now, it’s easy for us to make judgments from hundreds of miles away, but some questions come to mind:

1. If a coach has made it clear a player must arrive on time, is that actually reasonable, given the age of the children?

2. Is punctuality more important than the attitude and work ethic of a young player when they are at practice?

3. What were the actions on both “sides” in this situation that preceded the punch-up?

4. How will that 12 year-old look at his dad in future? What has he “learned” about handling disagreements?

5. How will the rest of the team look at the coach? What have they “learned” about handling disputes?

Youth sports organizations exist to give young people outlets and opportunities for healthy activity. They aim to “hire” volunteers with the best approach and skill set to act as positive role models.

They don’t always bring in the right people, and mistakes will inevitably be made.

The more the sports association, local clubs, individual coaches, players themselves and parents communicate their mutual objectives together, very early on, the better off everyone is.

All the parties may not agree, and if they don’t, thankfully parents have the freedom to protest, ask for change, and ultimately leave a ‘club' if it’s obviously not the right club or team for them.

Punishing a young player for being late- and punching out a coach- is never healthy, much less a solution.

Working together effectively with parents: 10 tips for youth sports coaches

Below is one of my most-requested online articles, published on the Prospect blog for the first time. It has been reproduced on the websites of numerous youth-sports-related organizations. This article is copyrighted to the author and may not be reproduced without obtaining written permission. To inquire about licensing the right to reproduce any of the enclosed content email: inquiries@prospectcommunications.com

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Most youth hockey coaches would probably agree—at least privately—that one of their biggest challenges as a coach is interacting with parents.

Parents—understandably so—care first and foremost about their own son or daughter. We all talk about teamwork but at the end of the day, if truth really be told, most of us focus almost exclusively on what we think is best for our own child.

We talk about “fair play”, but that lasts until we get to the field or arena. Far too many of us want to “win”, or should I say see our child’s team “win”. This translates into comments that we as parents make about who gets the most ice time, who should be on the team, and on its goes.

Coaches face many situations that must indeed be handled thoughtfully. Even if a youth coach does not have his or her own son or daughter on the team (that’s a piece for another day), there is much to plan for.

Remember this as you consider the following points: How you say what you say may be more important in many instances than what you actually say. Your tone and your attitude either help—or seriously harm—the message you are trying to deliver.

1) Communicate ‘till it hurts.

Poor communication—or lack of communication—kills relationships of all kinds: parent-child, wife-husband, teacher-student, coach-player.

Good communication—clear, articulate, ongoing, positive and genuine communication is vitally important for youth coaches.

As soon as you, as a coach, commit to entering into a true “relationship” with a young person, you are by necessity stepping into a relationship with their parents or guardians.

Don’t just have one “meeting” at the beginning of the season in the parking lot at the practice field and feel that you have done your job. It is imperative that you meet or at least speak with parents on a regular basis, privately or in a group, to stop any simmering concerns before they become real problems.

2) Hearing is a sense; listening is a skill.

We surely all recognize there is a big difference between hearing and truly taking in what someone else is saying to us.

Listening is a skill, and like all skills, it can be developed if we care enough to make it a priority.

Work on enhancing your listening skills, and your relationships—including with your players’ parents—will generally improve.

3) Don’t assume you have all the answers.

Like the young players you train and coach, sometimes parents have something to offer. At least be open to what people have to say. They may have experience you don’t have.

This is not to suggest that your parents should lead you by the nose and tell you what to do. You are the coach and you are in charge. By all means lead the way. But don’t assume you have all the answers. Be open to opinions and ideas, from parents and players.

4) Establish joint expectations.

Once the team is selected, or put together (depending on whether it is a “rep”, “All-Star” or house-league squad), make the time to sit down for a few minutes, privately, with each family and the player to review mutual expectations.

Do this before the season starts.

If you agree, or at least can mutually accept, what the plan is for your child (ice time, role on the team, skills that must be developed, discipline or attitude adjustments, etc.) before the season starts, there is much less likelihood of upset, misunderstanding or bitterness as the season wears on.

5) Face to face, private—away from the rink.

Too often youth coaches have “meetings” with parents at the rink in front of other people.

The timing—and the location—is off. It simply doesn’t work.

When you need to have a conversation with a parent, or they need to speak with you, agree on a time and place to meet—away from the rink.

A private meeting should be just that—private.

6) Make it clear that your yelling is not personal.

All youth coaches are different. Some are quiet, nurturing. Others are yellers, more bombastic and colorful.

Most really do care about the kids they work with, regardless of the way they sometimes present themselves to others.

If you are a “yeller”, someone who instructs forcefully during games or practices, make a point of reminding—and reassuring—parents that your comments to the players are meant as instructive, not as personal criticisms.

If you make that clear—and it is truly the case—parents can sit back and enjoy the game.

7) The 24-hour rule

This is by no means a new concept, but we should still remind ourselves: if we, as parents, are upset by a situation at the rink, most of the time it is healthy for us to sleep on it, cool down a little and wait a good 24 hours before we make that phone call to a coach or another parent.

Similarly, a youth coach should hold his or her tongue on most occasions, before saying something to a young player or parent after a game or practice that may unnecessarily lead to hurt feelings.

Wait a day, and you will likely make whatever point you wanted to make in a more composed, thoughtful and sensitive manner.

8) Insist that parents not coach from the sidelines.

Parents who think they know the game have a tendency to yell instructions to their offspring from the stands.

Unfortunately, along with being a major distraction for their son or daughter (and other players on the field), they may be yelling instructions that are in direct contradiction with what the coaches want the player to do in particular circumstances.

As the coach-leader, you have to lay down the law. Parents should be on hand to support their own child and the team, in a positive manner. Full stop.

9) Discourage parents from talking about other people’s kids.

This is so important. Negativity is toxic and spreads quickly.

It is also important that youth coaches do everything they can to discourage parents from negative rink behaviour. From debating who did or didn’t deserve to be on a certain team, to comments about a child’s playing ability, the coach needs to be a strong, positive example in this regard, and work to keep parents thinking—and talking—positively about all the players on your team.

10) Create a checklist.

Before and during each season, create and revise brief checklists as a reminder of the things you want to communicate with your parents. Set up a time table and review a list of issues that you feel will be important to review and discuss with the group throughout the course of the season.

It’s not enough to have a meeting at the beginning of the season and then provide no feedback for the next 8 months.

Bonus suggestion: Ask each parent before the season starts to write down what they want and need from you in terms of communication from you as their child’s coach.

You may not be able to deliver on everything that people ask for, but be aware, at least, of their expectations. And ask parents what motivates their son or daughter. This knowledge can help you tremendously to get “inside” the psyche of the young person you are there to develop as an athlete—and as a person.

Good youth coaches are more than people who know how to teach “systems” or implement checking schemes. They know the value of positive, constant communication not only with their players, but with the people who drive their players to each and every game and practicethe parents.

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Michael Langlois, founder of Prospect Communications Inc., is the author of the following books: 1) A Guide to Better Communication for Minor Hockey Coaches, 2) How Well Do You Communicate? A Guide to Better Communication with Players and Parents for Minor (Youth) Soccer Coaches, 3) An NHL Prospect's Guide, 4) The Professional Hockey Coaches' Handbook, 5) The Job Interview Guide for Professional Hockey Coaches. The Prospect Communications web site is located at http://www.prospectcommunications.com/This article is copyrighted to the author and may not be reproduced without obtaining written permission. To inquire about licensing the right to reproduce any of the enclosed content email: inquiries@prospectcommunications.com